i made you play-clothes from the curtains.
maybe you remember. i will never be able to forget.
last year i took on an enormous responsibility. i decided to watch three extra little girls while their mama was at work. it took everything i could give.
even now i look back on the posts from that time period and i wonder, "how did i do that?" well, i know i was given a strength beyond what was inside myself.
i was their mother's visiting teacher. that's an assignment in our church that basically entails looking out for that person. a visiting teacher comes by and teaches gospel centered lessons from time to time, but more importantly a visiting teacher seeks to help. this woman told me her struggles as a single mom with three young girls and i wanted to help.
i finally feel comfortable talking about it, mostly because they moved away this week.
basically these girls were in a very bad position with their parents locked in a stressful custody battle and they needed a neutral place in their lives. i feel honored and wonderfully blessed to have been able to offer them that.
i made one very huge mistake {if you want to call it that}. i fell in love with the girls.
i let myself love them like they were my own children. but they were never mine to keep.
i knew the situation was getting bad. i knew i had put myself in a very vulnerable place. i was being taken advantage of. i won't go into too much detail but it's enough to say that i was doing more for their mom than i ever agreed to do with very little thanks or follow-through on her end.
i care about their mom. she is my friend and i have since forgiven her. i know that Heavenly Father loves her so much because He has, when i've prayed to feel good feelings for her, granted me a small taste of how He feels about her. i wish i was more like Him. i didn't want to help her anymore.
matt and i prayed to know if it was time to stop watching them. we both felt that i should still be willing but that i needed to talk to their mom about the ingratitude and disregard for our arrangement. when i tried to talk to her it blew up into a million pieces and i was left calling to the girls, "i'll always love you... i'll always love you... i love you..." from the steps of my front porch as they left, never to return. i didn't cry over them. i just felt mad at myself for not being more saintly and long-suffering.
this winter, right around the holidays, i experienced the deepest depression of my life to this point. it was inexplicable to me. later i realized that i'd felt so relieved to be free from the situation with their family that i forgotten to let myself grieve.
so my therapist asked me, "has anything traumatic happened to you in the last year or so?" and i was like "hmmm... no, i don't think so." i really didn't realize. it took months to realize that i'd lost children that my heart had adopted.
as painful as that experience was, i know it was for my good. i know i was becoming more like the Savior. i would never wish those girls away.
you know how during that time i had really short hair? recently some moms from the school told me that everyone called me Maria because i ran around with seven children like i was helping the vontrap family learn to live.
i made them an album of all our adventures {manny, many, more pages than these} and dropped it by their house just before they moved away. it was gut-wrenching. imagine if the vontrap dad had married that other lady and Maria had left those kids. it was like that.
last year i took on an enormous responsibility. i decided to watch three extra little girls while their mama was at work. it took everything i could give.
even now i look back on the posts from that time period and i wonder, "how did i do that?" well, i know i was given a strength beyond what was inside myself.
i was their mother's visiting teacher. that's an assignment in our church that basically entails looking out for that person. a visiting teacher comes by and teaches gospel centered lessons from time to time, but more importantly a visiting teacher seeks to help. this woman told me her struggles as a single mom with three young girls and i wanted to help.
i finally feel comfortable talking about it, mostly because they moved away this week.
basically these girls were in a very bad position with their parents locked in a stressful custody battle and they needed a neutral place in their lives. i feel honored and wonderfully blessed to have been able to offer them that.
i made one very huge mistake {if you want to call it that}. i fell in love with the girls.
i let myself love them like they were my own children. but they were never mine to keep.
i knew the situation was getting bad. i knew i had put myself in a very vulnerable place. i was being taken advantage of. i won't go into too much detail but it's enough to say that i was doing more for their mom than i ever agreed to do with very little thanks or follow-through on her end.
i care about their mom. she is my friend and i have since forgiven her. i know that Heavenly Father loves her so much because He has, when i've prayed to feel good feelings for her, granted me a small taste of how He feels about her. i wish i was more like Him. i didn't want to help her anymore.
matt and i prayed to know if it was time to stop watching them. we both felt that i should still be willing but that i needed to talk to their mom about the ingratitude and disregard for our arrangement. when i tried to talk to her it blew up into a million pieces and i was left calling to the girls, "i'll always love you... i'll always love you... i love you..." from the steps of my front porch as they left, never to return. i didn't cry over them. i just felt mad at myself for not being more saintly and long-suffering.
this winter, right around the holidays, i experienced the deepest depression of my life to this point. it was inexplicable to me. later i realized that i'd felt so relieved to be free from the situation with their family that i forgotten to let myself grieve.
so my therapist asked me, "has anything traumatic happened to you in the last year or so?" and i was like "hmmm... no, i don't think so." i really didn't realize. it took months to realize that i'd lost children that my heart had adopted.
as painful as that experience was, i know it was for my good. i know i was becoming more like the Savior. i would never wish those girls away.
you know how during that time i had really short hair? recently some moms from the school told me that everyone called me Maria because i ran around with seven children like i was helping the vontrap family learn to live.
i made them an album of all our adventures {manny, many, more pages than these} and dropped it by their house just before they moved away. it was gut-wrenching. imagine if the vontrap dad had married that other lady and Maria had left those kids. it was like that.
Comments