Monday, December 30, 2013

this is gonna be the best day of my life.

1. Finn, grandpa asked, "what do you want for your birthday?" and you said, "a cupcake" and then grandpa said "Finn, you are so hard to please."
 photo _DSC1872_zps5365837e.jpg photo _DSC1805_zpsa6dd52ff.jpg photo _DSC1850_zpsaa667943.jpg photo _DSC1874_zps43407458.jpg
2. Ossi, you made up a song about being a rockstar and you asked, "can I sing it for you?" When I said yes you pulled out a mullet wig and put it on your head. Then you sang to me. photo _DSC1853_zps93a6b036.gif photo _DSC1860_zps7083dfbd.jpg photo _DSC1783_zpsc23b8583.jpg photo _DSC1748_zpsc861cad6.jpg photo _DSC1791_zps2db3f74e.jpg photo _DSC1835_zps0022cf38.jpg photo _DSC1840_zps5b57d48f.jpg photo _DSC1772_zps5bb0d67e.gif photo _DSC1715_zps75b4fc5b.jpg photo _DSC1707_zps7064d2ad.jpg
3. Evy, Liam said, "you can have a bit of my toast if you say you are a girl." You said, "I. am. a. girl." And then you stuffed his whole piece of toast into your mouth.
 photo _DSC1700_zpsdb71bd67.jpg photo _DSC1696_zps3a52b24b.jpg photo _DSC1691_zpsa5763517.jpg photo _DSC1671_zps2549eb6d.jpg photo _DSC1647_zpsdae6a6b3.jpg photo _DSC1631_zpsb401c844.jpg
4. Liam, you spent a good amount of time today looking at yourself in the mirror with a magnifying glass over your mouth. I can't stop thinking of your giant, toothless grin.
 photo _DSC1625_zps587bcbf3.jpg photo _DSC1618_zpsde3d1d1e.jpg photo _DSC1609_zps040a9b4c.jpg photo _DSC1601_zps3f0c672b.jpg
I can't exactly explain the kind of happiness that I am feeling right now.

My house is a total mess and I am calm.

It's past midnight and I am not worried about waking up tomorrow.

Any heartache or trial that has reached me recently feels like a necessary step in the right direction.


Maybe it's because I've been eating so many fresh veggies in the past couple of days. Maybe It's because I deactivated facebook. Maybe it's because I just finished reading an incredible book (for the second time). Maybe it's because I have been listening to this song over and over.

At bedtime tonight we were dancing with stuffed animals to this song. I was alive exactly in the moment. I wasn't taking pictures or thinking about how I was going to fit it into a facebook status, I was just living it and I felt like I had found the secret of life.

"I don't know why these things have to be transmitted by word of mouth, he thought. It wasn't exactly that they were secrets; God revealed his secrets easily to all creatures.

He only had one explanation for this fact: things have to be transmitted this way because they were made up from the pure life, and this kind of life cannot be captured in pictures or words.

Because people become fascinated with pictures and words, and wind up forgetting the Language of the World."
-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

scrooge.

What kind of a crazy gets depressed on Christmas Eve? Well, me. And actually I think lots of people. My earliest experiences with feelings of intense disappointment were on my birthday mornings as a child. Not because of anything my family did or didn't do. It was just an impulse. I remember one year I spent the day cleaning the house, not because anyone asked me to, I just had this urgent need to feel sorry for myself.

I am not even going to ask why we do these things to ourselves.

So today the kids have been engulfed in my darkness. How sad for them. I have been threatening to take away presents all morning, and I can't even force a kind tone in my voice. I put Finn back to bed after he destroyed our last roll of wrapping paper. He was crying and he asked for a hug. I gave him a halfhearted squeeze and he said, "I haven't had any love today until right now."  photo _DSC1883_zpsee9194f7.jpg Even after that wrenching remark I've spent the last hour and a half barking orders at the kids to clean their room before family comes over tonight.

Now I can't help asking, why do we do these things to ourselves?

I believe our thoughts precede our actions. My first thoughts this morning were "I have to get the last of the presents wrapped, we need to clean and cook." I could have started with "I can't wait to see my kids" or just "thank God for this day."

See, I did all the things on my list today. And still I feel hollow. Either my list is lacking or my feelers are. Probably both.

Where is the ghost of Christmas present? I could use some fresh perspective.

Oh Finn, I'm sorry I was so worried about getting things ready for Christmas that I forgot to give you the real deal.

If Scrooge can change then it's not too late for this mama.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

precious.

my cold feet live on the backs of his legs while we sleep.

whatever i feel like i lack, however inadequate or unequal to the tasks ahead, i know we are doing something right because we're very in love.
 photo _DSC1450_zpsd39beaa1.jpg
we were joking the other day about our understanding of the foundation of a happy childhood. we've heard that the best thing you can give your children is a loving, faithful marriage, but we jokingly mused, "what if that's not really the case?" matt teased, "sorry for the crappy childhood kids, but at least i really love your mother."

there are moments so perfect, so pure, so sacred and fleeting in marriage. they are single frames spliced in to a busy life. back to business and we almost forget how precious we are to each other.
 photo _DSC1453_zpscb984cc8.jpg
any time we go on dates together, especially when we go to the temple, people ask how long we've been married. they are surprised when we say, "nearly eight years" and downright shocked when we tell them we have four children. i love what they say next. "you're just like newly weds together." and again i think about the one thing we know we're doing right.
 photo _DSC1469_zpsfaf2ff2d.jpg

life of riley.

 photo _DSC1326_zps6ca2876f.jpg photo _DSC1280_zps3a37068a.jpg photo _DSC1285_zpsbd5c4e58.jpg photo _DSC1334_zpsf44e6fca.jpg photo _DSC1331_zps95241d6a.jpg photo _DSC1301_zps099652b9.jpg photo _DSC1308_zps15d468fc.jpg photo _DSC1295_zps53532a3c.jpg photo _DSC1350_zpsca5fd8a2.jpg photo _DSC1359_zps99344273.jpg photo _DSC1339_zpsd8d7e7e8.jpg photo _DSC1384_zpscbd30f7e.jpg photo _DSC1382_zps05762396.jpg photo _DSC1369_zps9477a1a1.jpg photo _DSC1398_zpsffea7fb2.jpg photo _DSC1410_zpsf7252990.jpg photo _DSC1386_zps418b263c.jpg photo _DSC1413_zpsfe6f286d.jpg photo _DSC1433_zpsd70eba39.jpg photo _DSC1431_zps23a5e5be.jpg photo _DSC1429_zps4ae6622c.jpg photo _DSC1436_zpsd2c71731.jpg photo _DSC1442_zps702279c7.jpg photo _DSC1449_zpsdc215b15.jpg photo _DSC1423_zpsd722247e.jpg photo _DSC1422_zps745ccb3e.jpg photo _DSC1483_zps982dacbf.jpg photo _DSC1494_zpsd0ca67db.jpg photo _DSC1474_zps9308de1f.jpg photo _DSC1514_zpsdf17492d.jpg photo _DSC1502_zps0f0bb351.jpg photo _DSC1505_zps525881b1.jpg photo _DSC1529_zps239aa489.jpg photo _DSC1519_zps244c9278.jpg photo _DSC1527_zpsdefd0e82.jpg photo _DSC1528_zpsdaa54a5c.jpg photo _DSC1554_zps3d87eea9.jpg photo _DSC1543_zpse7ef4042.jpg photo _DSC1550_zpsfffb8983.jpg photo _DSC1562_zps47ec61b6.jpg photo _DSC1569_zpsbf05bdd8.jpg