Friday, March 14, 2014

we're a mess but

this morning matthew carried me out of bed like i was a feather and deposited me in the bathroom. he didn't say a single harsh word he just said, "i love you, you can do today."

it's kind of funny to think that this strong man fit into my skinny jeans only a few months ago. from extreme bulimia back to the muscles i remember. i could have carried him out of bed and in a way i sort-of did. we take turns.
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is there such a thing as a mediocre marriage? can anyone be really happy with mediocre life-love? certainly we are more in love sometimes than we are at others. that's sort-of a given in my mind. what two people can be on reciprocal good sides all the time? during those tense periods i fight an internal battle between pride and longing. those times have been real bad. i've thought, while in those trenches, that being married is way too hard.

but i remember that we have it, as much as anybody ever has. i can ask him, do you love me? and even at our lowest lows he does. and i love him back. to me a mediocre marriage is a bad marriage. think mediocre heart surgeon. so when we feel less-than-close we make a rescue plan. we treat our marriage like a living thing that needs nourishment. an endangered species with worth beyond price.

this devotion has gotten us through a crap-ton. not even kidding, here. let's look at the past couple of weeks.

matt was testing the tightness of his new ring while we were laying in bed. he said, "look it's almost about to fly off," then (naturally) he shook it even more vigorously. the band flew off his finger and hit me in the front tooth. we laughed so hard, then he loved me and loved me until i was all better. some blips in the marriage reel are super, super funny.

others are less-awesome. matt's medication has been effecting his sleep. it's been building but neither of us really noticed how bad it was getting. his body isn't paralyzed during his REM so he moves like a dog chasing a rabbit in his dreams. (i bet you think this story could be funny, but it's not.) 5am one morning i awoke to a man-power-punch to the throat. i'm talking full power. at least it was his left arm. he awoke to my gasps for air and sobs. i honestly don't know which of us felt worse. this introduced a level of fear and mistrust that i've not experienced before. i knew it wasn't his fault but i was terribly angry and afraid. he felt like a monster. that morning we didn't express any of those feelings. we really didn't know what to say. "i'm so sorry," he was. "i forgive you," i did. but we still needed to heal some pretty deep feelings. 

i am so thankful for the winning side of my internal battle that said, "just talk to him." it took a few days, but we worked through it. and we are getting through a distant strange sleeping arrangement as he gets it all work out. i hate that he's couched.

i'm depressed again, too. it's getting better, but things have been pretty bleak. matthew stands at the doorway of our room and says, "come on honey, you go 10% and Heavnely Father will take you the rest." he says, "i don't care what grades you get, i know you are really struggling. i'm proud of you no matter what." he climbs in to the bath with me when he comes home from work and i'm sulk-soaking. he learns songs for me so that i can sing my feelings. and i feel a little fire grow as i decide to nice things for him in return. love saves me. every time.

1 comment:

Denise said...

Wow, how complicated this thing we call life is;) Thank you for sharing - your words always hit home with me.