a pregnancy that began with a prayer.
i wasn't so sick the first trimester as i was with my others. i only threw up sometimes and didn't need any i.v. fluids. i was extra tired, though. which maybe comes with being a bit older this time.
this baby is small, i think, or compact at the least. it is so wiggly and responsive to stimulus. some examples...
baby was romping and stretching vigorously one morning while i quietly awoke. evy came in to my room saying hello and the baby totally froze. i got the sense that it was straining greatly to catch the sound of her voice.
matt shined a light on my belly one night, swiftly and without warning as he flipped the covers down, and the baby jumped like an alley cat.
soaking in the tub one evening i lightly splashed some water across my belly and baby made to swim! i waited and tried again with the same result. i even called matt in and showed him as the baby swam in my tummy for it a third time.
touch, light, sound sensitive.
when the doctor stripped my membranes yesterday morning the baby protested so profoundly that i was actually alarmed. the doctor started in good humor and mentioned that the response was very pronounced.
who are you, little one? i want to meet you!
soaking in the tub one evening i lightly splashed some water across my belly and baby made to swim! i waited and tried again with the same result. i even called matt in and showed him as the baby swam in my tummy for it a third time.
touch, light, sound sensitive.
when the doctor stripped my membranes yesterday morning the baby protested so profoundly that i was actually alarmed. the doctor started in good humor and mentioned that the response was very pronounced.
who are you, little one? i want to meet you!
emotionally, this pregnancy has been like the others, i think. the circumstances are so different! but my chemistry feels a bit shaky like always. i think the added knowledge i've gained in the last 8+ years has helped me to navigate my head-space in a more graceful way, but i've still had a few episodes of despair. i wonder what postpartum will be like.
the hardest bit has been the bit i always hit- that i have issues. my imperfections seem intensified as i navigate the tiredness and anxiety of pregnancy. i assess my ability to nurture my children and realize that my personal baggage hurts, has been hurting, them. i will have teenagers and a new-born and still i have so much to overcome in my character.
this pregnancy began with a prayer.
and continues with more and more prayers.
i know that the scriptures that speak of Christ's mission are helping me. as i read i understand more about my inability to fix the things that i break. the Savior is my hope when i think of all the ways that i've messed things up in my relationship with a precious child i'm supposed to be nurturing. (i am not exaggerating about my having messed things up- it's been bad.) the Savior can heal me as i come to Him and i pray that my children will come to Him for the healing they will definitely need.
the word for now is love. and i pray to have more.
the hardest bit has been the bit i always hit- that i have issues. my imperfections seem intensified as i navigate the tiredness and anxiety of pregnancy. i assess my ability to nurture my children and realize that my personal baggage hurts, has been hurting, them. i will have teenagers and a new-born and still i have so much to overcome in my character.
this pregnancy began with a prayer.
and continues with more and more prayers.
i know that the scriptures that speak of Christ's mission are helping me. as i read i understand more about my inability to fix the things that i break. the Savior is my hope when i think of all the ways that i've messed things up in my relationship with a precious child i'm supposed to be nurturing. (i am not exaggerating about my having messed things up- it's been bad.) the Savior can heal me as i come to Him and i pray that my children will come to Him for the healing they will definitely need.
the word for now is love. and i pray to have more.
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