thoughts and memories

ok, i'm combatting my blues with some honest and hopefully hopeful thought-sharing. since my foreign and terrifying doctor's visit yesterday i've been processing my fears and losses, mourning an experience with this pregnancy that i'd envisioned and accepting that it's not going to be the birth i'd planned. my grief is bitter, but i know that i'm strong enough to endure whatever is coming- with my Father's divine help.

 this is the little riley wiggling in my belly. he or she is growing slowly- in a quick ultrasound yesterday i could see a fuzzy halo of hair. what color will it be? we will get to see. we may be laboring in an environment that feels alien and dangerous, with cases of illness taxing resources around us, but we'll still get to see.

this baby is so wiggly. each time we've had an ultrasound that's been a part of the challenge- that the tech must try extra long to get any measurements since the baby squirms so much. this baby is also very interactive with the world outside, even exhibiting curiosity about lights and sounds. its wiggling will stop as it strains to hear a sibling speak. and apparently, we've got a bendy gymnast- see the below picture with foot and forehead.

i was taking a bath with evy the other day and we decided that if it is a girl, she can be in our club. i told evy i was nervous about possibly having another girl because she and i are so close and it might be difficult for both of us to transition from "my girl" to "my girls." she assured me that there would be plenty of room in the group for a little sister.

one of my favorite mom-moves right now is to wait until evy has done her hair and then to go do my hair the same way. or to wait until she's gotten dressed and to pick the same style or colors for myself. when she discovers that i've copied her she is just so delighted. i love the look on her face. some-time in the future i'll do it and she'll probably roll her eyes. then i will probably stop. but not yet.

 some changes to the norm are the exciting kind and some are the terrifying kind. what makes the difference? loss versus gain?

i remember when the age to be able to go to the temple was changed- that youth who were 11 turning 12 that year could go worship there- and that was an exciting kind of change. now with the temples closed... i miss going terribly. especially now when i could use the peace and comfort.

oh, ossi. 

 ossi received his patriarchal blessing at the beginning of march and every day he has been checking the mail for the hard-copy. he can't remember a word uttered by the patriarch, but matt and i do. if i've wondered at the strong prompting he felt to get that blessing at such a young age (he's soooo young) then i've felt an answer, that it was for us- his parents.

hearing that blessing brought us a rush of hope.

one last picture. this is our van being towed after the timing belt broke as i was driving on the freeway. that was februaury 25th and it's still in the shop being fixed, with a projected bill that rivals COVID-19 in economic impact at our home.

here's a helpful quote. whew.

The good news of the gospel is not the promise of a life free of sorrow and tribulation but a life full of purpose and meaning—a life where our sorrows and afflictions can be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ.” The Savior declared, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” His gospel is a message of hope. Sorrow coupled with hope in Jesus Christ holds the promise of enduring joy.-L. Todd Budge