experiments in opposition.

the sounds of a buzzing highway mingled with the crisp spring wind.

we uncurled our cramped muscles in a trot around a lot, surprised by the difference in elevation.

a sublime setting for a God-given-gift.

the gift was invisible and subtle and silent, like the tug of the earth's polarity on a compass.

it happened as i watched the kids, my kids, walking back to toward the van after our picnic stop. ossi and finn were hauling the cooler and liam walked by evy with little gwen in his arms.

the gift was a simple realization. "this is the happiest i have ever been."  

that phrase was the thesis statement in an extensive document. i could go on and on with the supporting details and the intricacies involved in that claim, but i won't. i'll just tell you that this moment, this realization, caused a chemical release in my body and blood that rivaled any roller coaster.

my heart was a compass needle pointing to my family with surety. 

weirdly, when we got into the van things flipped in a series of major contentions.

i must sound crazy as i relate that i then had an equally strong assurance as before only saying, "this is the most miserable i've ever been."

it was a new thesis to another paper written in me, with all the convincing arguments one might expect. the acknowledgment of this truth triggered a blood-boiling response in me- an angry cousin to my previous thrill. 

how can both of these statements be true at the same time? how?

how can curse and blessing experience equal utterance from the same mouth?

these questions are woven in light and darkness, health and sickness, pleasure and pain.

gifts layered in gifts layered in gifts. 

the realization of joy is possible through acquaintance with misery. and the return to joy after misery... among the greatest gifts. 

repentance and reconciliation is like much-needed sleep for the soul. 

during another low on our trip i sat crying in a hotel stairwell wondering how i could be so stupid to bring five children on the road by myself and expect to have fun. i told them we'd probably go home in the morning. they coaxed me to our room and in the name of tradition we opened our scriptures to read before bed, even in our anger and sorrow, and found these words...

"Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go"  -Alma 26:27

 so we kept going.