here read my change of heart

BEFORE:

Right this second a screaming child is telling me "we have juice" though I just took him to the kitchen and showed him the empty bottle.

"We don't have water," he says, when I offer him a glass of the clear liquid.

It is enough to make me feel totally insane.

I bought a new hat this morning. Retail-therapy, they call that. There's a name for what I'm feeling now, too; buyer's remorse.

I awake to the sounds of the boys crying and wonder how I can make it through the next 13 hours until their bedtime. When the only cure for the angst is unavailable, I string together tiny distractions. (Today was shopping, eating, TV watching, crafts, eating again, now the blog.)

I forget how hard this is on the boys. A few days after we made our paper chain, counting down the days until daddy returns, I walked into their room, just after bedtime, to find mass-paper-destruction. Sparky had pulled the chain apart and ripped each link into tiny pieces. When I asked him what he was doing, he started crying and said, "daddy comes home."

Maybe I should rip paper.

AFTER:

I am speaking as if the "only cure for the angst" is a lifting of my burdens. Duke comes home, happily ever after.... Have I forgotten the Lord and what He does to heal, not only sins but afflictions in all forms?

There are eternal principles here, ready to be applied to my situation. Rip paper?!

I've been inspired and uplifted. I felt prompted to read some writings of an East German refugee about what he learned in times of great trial. A few of his motivating words here follow:

"While I would not be eager to relive those days of trial and trouble, I have little doubt that the lessons I learned were a necessary preparation for future opportunity. Now, many years later, I know this for a certainty: it is often in the trial of adversity that we learn those most critical lessons that form our character and shape our destiny."

He admonished hard work as a treatment for sadness:

"Work is an antidote for anxiety, an ointment for sorrow, and a doorway to possibility. Whatever our circumstances in life let us do the best we can and cultivate a reputation for excellence in all that we do. Let us set our minds and bodies to the glorious opportunity for work that each new day presents."

He encouraged continued learning through reading:

"If formal education is not available, do not allow that to prevent you from acquiring all the knowledge you can. Under such circumstances, the best books, in a sense, can become your “university”—a classroom that is always open and admits all who apply."

I don't want Duke to come back to a lump of sorrow, sitting in the corner alone. I want him to know that I've worked along side him, though we've been far apart. I am a better woman than he left me. My children have gained wisdom and goodness. And I can do more.

Only 4 and 1/2 weeks left until my love visits.

What kinds of glorious things can I do and learn before then? Wow, I am suddenly invigorated. And away I go!

Thank you, Dieter F. Uchtdorf for sharing wisdom gained through endurance. Read more of his words here.