Friday, October 17, 2014

close your eyes

i don't know where it went... or what i did to lose it... but it was gone...

it was here and then it was gone.

my steady footing. my feeling of stability and power and confidence springing up from an inner well.
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that is what humble feels like. no, past humble into desperate. painfully aware of my own weakness.

Sunday morning hit and i couldn't get out of bed. how could i be happy outside of this warm blanket when i'm not even happy inside this warm blanket?
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matt asked me a question that both irritated me and...well, it mostly irritated me. he asked, "a couple of years ago if you went through this what would you have done?" i was irritated because he knows i have a history of quitting endeavors when they get hard. i was more irritated because his question implied that i am somehow not that person anymore. am i a new creature? and still so weak.
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i didn't quit on Sunday. it was matt's question that kept me going, in a way. in a bigger way it was evy's tiny hand rubbing my shoulder. she climbed into bed and started softly sweeping my skin. she started to pick at me the way that i pick at her, like little monkeys grooming. i didn't quit on Sunday because her touch reminded me that there is someone following after me, doing what i do.
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i'm learning that when i lose my footing i need to close my eyes.

inside my frail and weak human frame there really is a well. paul said it this way, "we have this treasure in earthen vessels."
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"not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God."

i close my eyes and ask for help.

with my eyes closed i understand paul's insight, "we walk by faith, not by sight." i figuratively reach for that treasure, that well, that drink of water. i literally ask for Christ's atonement to fill me with the hope and strength that i cannot access alone.
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with my eyes open i sometimes feel bound to the world. i feel uncomfortable knowing all i have to pass through in the day, the week, the month.

eyes closed, "God hath shined in our hearts."

eyes open, "we are troubled on every side."

eyes closed, "but not distressed."

eyes open, "we are perplexed."

eyes closed, "but not in despair."


the hard truths are these... we don't belong here... "whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord"... sometimes we feel mortal discomfort so profoundly that we wish we could quit... "we are willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord"... we are asked to stay and live a life of blinking eyes... "as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things."

the life of a disciple will be filled with moments of strength of character... moments when it is clear to see our purpose and direction...


the life of a disciple will be filled with moments of humbling weakness... moments when we realize our understanding is so limited and lacking...



still, when we close our eyes we can come unto our houseguest and find power to endure. "as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people."

scriptures take from King James Version of 2 Corinthians 3-6.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

laughing muscles

matt received the sweetest gift in the mail. we wanted to say thanks through a photo. i seized this  opportunity to capture his sincere reaction to one of the shenanigans of our household.

honey, look over here.
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keep looking.
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now look at the car door. 
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those little stinkers sure keep our laughing muscles strong.
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embarrassingly, the neighbor saw me spank finn for it earlier in the day. he commented, "the world would be a better place if more parents would do that." and i thought that i really have no idea about any of that. i'm just doing the best i can to stay afloat around here. aren't we all? ultimately the chores i had him do in consequence made a greater impression than my hand on his buns, i think.

being a parent is quite difficult sometimes. i'm so thankful for a partner who helps me side-by-side. and reminds me not to sweat the small stuff.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

a happy sort of dance.

just so you know my house is not that clean.
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my floors are gross. every day i look at the bottoms of my bare feet and think, eweeee.
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just so you know, i really struggle with envy and pride.
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so i went to a zumba class yesterday and i was enthralled by the instructor. she was so cheerful and fashionable. she had those saggy-butt pants we old people attribute to mc hammer. shiny, gold high tops. i think her tank top said something like, "queen" or "goddess."
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i was seriously thinking about how much cooler she looked than i did. well, i'm a costume kid. we costume kids love a good "look."
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oh, i can spot a good "look." the most covetable looks to me are as follows; 1. put-together mom 2. hipster diva. naturally the most intimidating "look" is the put-together-hipster-diva mom.
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oh, brother. megan, are you for real?
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anyway, i was in this zumba class thinking like this. then, like magic, i got caught in the music and the motion. i came alive in the steps and forgot how stupid i probably looked. i just forgot everything, lost to the dance. and i became sublimely happy.
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at the water fountain a woman approached me. she had that put-together-mom look, but that's besides the point. actually not. the point includes my cyclical return to envy and pride. so, she walked up to me and said, "i love working out with you! you have so much energy and you remind me to just stop worrying so much and remember that this is actually enjoyable."
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can i access that dance brain when the music is off?
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can i just live joyfully and forget the rest?
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a few weeks back ossi was telling me about the neighbor across the street. he never wants to play ossi's games. usually liam, finn, and evy follow this kid's lead just for a change. ossi said, "it's just that when bryant comes over he acts like a flower and i'm just a seed. but i want him to know that i'm the flower and he's the seed. that's why i go get my coolest costume on. because he needs to know that i'm the flower and he's the seed." i had to think about it. then i realized that he does exactly that. he goes upstairs and comes back down with his tightest skinny jeans, his clunkiest boots, some kind of cool shirt and jacket, and like five toy weapons strapped all over with belts. it's his put-together-hipster-hero boy look.
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poor guy. the kid's six with a long road ahead. i'm twenty-nine and i still haven't figured this weakness out.
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i'm thinking that the solution is found in layers of understanding... understanding what really makes someone a flower...and in that, understanding that we are all flowers. perhaps healing comes in pushing out comparison while keeping the admiration. i can think these things, yes, but i know there is a piece missing that leaves the brain and purges the heart. there is some power to be unlocked, some ability. it goes back to the music and the dance...
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a happy sort of life-dance that can happen, even on dirty floors.

i'll tell you if i ever get there.

a walk to get brothers.

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finn's shoes or hat fell off at least ten times along the way, causing an utter halt in progress each time.
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evy had to hold my hand or she would melt down in a fit of tears.
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the kids tried crossing the streets without looking both ways.
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they fought over whose hands they got to hold.
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they collected a dozen bits of nature to bring home and leave on the floor for me to step on later.
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they argued.
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they bugged each other.
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evy held on to my jacket strings which made for slow going while the boys ran too far ahead.
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the whole walk was absolutely perfect.
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topped off by the most beautiful downpour just when we made it home.
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and a giant kitchen mess brought to you by a sweet older brother who thought wet siblings and mamma needed hot chocolate.
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these babies are both keeping me young and giving me gray hair.