Sunday, November 29, 2009

Thanks and thoughts

A highlight of our week together was a chance to house-sit for our dear friends and spend some quality time with our little family. We owe them immensely for the use of their snuggle-couches and home theater (plus we finished half of their candy bowl).
(Duke and I, in love)

(Iggy running away from me as fast as he can, ignoring my call)

"I, the Lord your God, am not displeased with your coming on this journey, notwithstanding your follies." (Doctrine and Covenants 111:1)

What a comfort unfolded itself to me through these words! I keep thinking about all the things that I'm goofing up these days, which makes me doubt the decisions that led our family here.

(Iggy on time-out; a common occurrence)

Disciplining a 17 month old stinks. I keep trying things that don't seem to be working, plus my parenting right now is so public and dysfunctional (living in my parents house with my husband gone). I chased him up and down the isles of church 8 or 9 times today, put him on my lap and let him scream out a tantrum, right there in the second row. I don't like to take him to the halls and let him goof around when he's misbehaving... but then, how many people does my parenting have to disturb? So many self-doubts come when kids are born.

(Me in a moment of total pregnant-parenting desperation)

Note: I hated the above picture when I first saw it, but now I think it's sort-of a treasure. A piece of history, of my current climb. Proof, for later, that I can do hard things.

Although we may run across wrinkles in our maps, the path we originally chose and charted is usually still suitable. Once we iron the creases we can continue.

(He is worth it)

And I am happy on this journey we've chosen.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

so glad

We waited patiently. And daddy came home to us. Oh, how we need that man.
The boys loved watching the airplanes and guessing which was daddy's.
And as soon as they saw him the ten weeks he was gone melted away.
He flew back out to school this morning, but I know I can make it now. His visit was heaven-sent and revitalizing.

More on our lovely week to come. :)

mom bloopers

Does anyone else give their kids chocolate-glaze donuts in the car... right after a bath... on the morning of a busy day full of errand-running?
Note-to-self... STICKY MESS.

Anyone else been making their own life interesting lately?

Monday, November 16, 2009

heaven and hell

Would you rather... encounter a moment of personal, spiritual doubt or pass a kidney stone?
Would you wish to rediscover a part of you that you'd lost or eat your weight in chocolate ice-cream?

All of the above? Welcome to the last 4 days of my life.

1. Tillamook mudslide. It's my grandpa's favorite, so he always keeps it in stock and since the boys and I spent the weekend house-sitting for him, I just couldn't help myself.

2. Last week I spent a night in the hospital with extreme pain in my kidneys. My doctor sent me home with a bottle of pain-killers and a flimsy diagnosis; the baby was laying on something and causing me pain. Um. No. I passed a kidney stone a week later. When people ask, "are your pregnancies hard?" I don't know how to answer. You know how people who have an immunodeficiency actually end up dying from simple colds and things? Well, this pregnancy feels just like that.... like the heading for a handful of subcategory funks.

3. I read a book. It was masterfully organized, and an insightful commentary on the tendencies of people of faith. It shook me in a very scary way. The 19th wife by David Ebershoff is a novel, and though it is written in the form of an exposé, its facts were fabricated to illustrate a different type of truth. I do not recommend the book, unless you are willing to devote your self to a historical study thereafter, because you may find yourself spouting fiction as fact (his words are that powerful). After researching the issue of Polygamy in the LDS church's history, I feel confident in the position of the church today on this matter, and I have pondered the reasons it may have been introduced and then taken away from the church's belief system, though I do not understand completely. My faith that Christ is indeed at the head of this church has been increased through my study. But it was a bumpy weekend, spent in large part on my knees.

4. I've found the long-dormant spunk I've missed so much. I'd like to say I've got some shenanigans on the agenda, but in truth I've only found the spunk, I've not yet become ready to unleash it. The good news is this; the vibrant me is not deceased, like I had supposed, but is merely hibernating.

My friends, I hope that you're experiencing the ups in your lives to balance the inevitable downs. I hope that your faith in your self, in your own capacity to endure, is ever growing.

Duke, thank you for our long phone conversations, while I talked myself through the weekend. To sacrifice so much time, I know, is not easy. Thank you. I love you. See you in FIVE DAYS.

PS- This morning I literally awoke to a giant hug and kiss from Sparky. Then a smile I wish I could bottle up for a rainy day. My babies give me strength.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

sustaining daydreams

I asked Duke where he would like to be right now and he gave me two sustaining daydreams for my collection:
1. We're on a Hawaiian beach at sunset, after having played and surfed all day, and we are exhausted but kissing like crazy. And he said he wouldn't even object to getting sand all over. That's a big deal since he hates being sandy slightly more than having over-lotioned-hands and only slightly less than being covered in glitter (which he refers to as "the herpes of craft supplies").

2. We are snuggling on a sofa with our three boys, watching waves from a beach-house window on the Oregon cost. And we have hot chocolate. Heaven.

In both the fantasies I am no longer pregnant (hallelujah).

Five more dreams that make me so happy I could pop:
2. Saturday morning dog-piles with daddy home.
3. A new, classy wardrobe.
4. Compiling a new "live list" that includes some of the things we never did.
5. Taking the boys to Salem's Konditorei and splurging on a favorite piece of cake for each of us.

Ooooo, you should share a quick daydream that gets you through the day! I would love that!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The desire and the calling

I miss teaching. I miss being a part of something bigger than myself.

I know that the opportunities to serve are still around me, but they aren't flocking to me the way they did when I was attending school at Brigham Young University- Idaho just months ago.
In the 3 years I spent there I was assigned to be a teacher, a counselor, a committee member, a service leader and all sorts of other callings in my church. I always felt needed.

It has been humbling to see the world keep turning with out me.

Last night I spoke at an event honoring young women, including my little sister, for their accomplishments in a program called "personal progress" (which is a lot like the boy scout program for young men). My heart pumped with enthusiasm for virtuous living as I looked out over their faces and wished success for them.

A beautiful night. I needed to help more than they needed my help.

Why do I keep waiting to be asked before I make any effort to help anyone?

Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work. (D&C 4:3)

I swear, I am always relearning things I already sort-of knew.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

a holy place

I'm having trouble finding the words.

A slight breeze caused a ripple over this reflecting pool.
The sky darkened, and a mist of Oregon rain fell about, but the grounds were beautifully lit.
Almost four years ago I stood with my husband atop these steps and danced in the newness of our marriage.
Visiting the temple feels like going home.