heaven and hell

Would you rather... encounter a moment of personal, spiritual doubt or pass a kidney stone?

Would you wish to rediscover a part of you that you'd lost or eat your weight in chocolate ice-cream?

All of the above? Welcome to the last 4 days of my life.

1. Tillamook mudslide. It's my grandpa's favorite, so he always keeps it in stock and since the boys and I spent the weekend house-sitting for him, I just couldn't help myself.

2. Last week I spent a night in the hospital with extreme pain in my kidneys. My doctor sent me home with a bottle of pain-killers and a flimsy diagnosis; the baby was laying on something and causing me pain. Um. No. I passed a kidney stone a week later. When people ask, "are your pregnancies hard?" I don't know how to answer. You know how people who have an immunodeficiency actually end up dying from simple colds and things? Well, this pregnancy feels just like that.... like the heading for a handful of subcategory funks.

3. I read a book. It was masterfully organized, and an insightful commentary on the tendencies of people of faith. It shook me in a very scary way. The 19th wife by David Ebershoff is a novel, and though it is written in the form of an exposé, its facts were fabricated to illustrate a different type of truth. I do not recommend the book, unless you are willing to devote your self to a historical study thereafter, because you may find yourself spouting fiction as fact (his words are that powerful). After researching the issue of Polygamy in the LDS church's history, I feel confident in the position of the church today on this matter, and I have pondered the reasons it may have been introduced and then taken away from the church's belief system, though I do not understand completely. My faith that Christ is indeed at the head of this church has been increased through my study. But it was a bumpy weekend, spent in large part on my knees.

4. I've found the long-dormant spunk I've missed so much. I'd like to say I've got some shenanigans on the agenda, but in truth I've only found the spunk, I've not yet become ready to unleash it. The good news is this; the vibrant me is not deceased, like I had supposed, but is merely hibernating.

My friends, I hope that you're experiencing the ups in your lives to balance the inevitable downs. I hope that your faith in your self, in your own capacity to endure, is ever growing.

Duke, thank you for our long phone conversations, while I talked myself through the weekend. To sacrifice so much time, I know, is not easy. Thank you. I love you. See you in FIVE DAYS.

PS- This morning I literally awoke to a giant hug and kiss from Sparky. Then a smile I wish I could bottle up for a rainy day. My babies give me strength.