Friday, April 27, 2012

cutting through sky.

i had a nightmare.

i watched the dream unfold like a helpless audience member in a horror movie. i saw myself in an airplane with my two oldest sons, them readying to sky-dive. they jumped together and my sleeping eyes dropped with them while the me in my dreams looked down from plane.
the boys were exhilarated. enthralled. caught in the feel of their bodies cutting through sky.

iggy was falling more quickly than sparky. i heard my voice yelling from the plane, "time to pull the cord, honey." iggy yelled back, "not now. it's really not time." from further up my voice yelled back down, this time panicking, "pull it now!" in his arrogance and great confidence he wouldn't. the spectator me panicked then, wishing to reach out and open the parachute. i knew iggy was running out of time and that sparky wouldn't pull his own chord unless he knew his brother was safe.

they fell to the ground, iggy first and then sparky. i saw. and my eyes, fixed on them, zoomed upward to join my heartbroken self in the sky. i awoke then, so sorrowful.

this dream describes the anguish i feel as i struggle with my strong willed son. we have days of peace and days of great contention, all depending on my approach. i'm slowly learning to jump with him. to feel my body falling. to describe to him the cues for cord-pulling moments. i feel out of control- but at least we're starting from the ground up. maybe we'll be ready for the big falls because of all the little ones we have each day.

how we love him.

we can do this.

ps-thank you so much, rach for this link. i keep it pulled up on my computer screen most every day.


Richard and McKenna said...

Sorry you had a scary dream like that! I had one this morning too that I wrote about on my blog that was just toooo real. Life is so precious.

Latenightstamper said...

When you feel panicked and really need him to listen, try to "whisper"
You will feel a bit more calm and he will pay better attention.