Friday, November 2, 2012

upload brain.

no time to edit. i just need a place to put these thoughts.

1. it seems that there are many people asserting that it is better for families if mothers go to work and put their kids in day care. i believe that while in some cases it may be necessary and positive, it should not be excepted as the absolute best choice for everyone. i went to daycare and we were a happy family. but i have seen some very unhappy and disconnected families, too, through my experience with childcare.

along with that thought, i was asking myself why i believe that being a stay-at-home mom is such a noble profession, and ultimately better for my children. isn't it ideal for children to receive the best training? they could go to an enrichment program and receive a teacher's best. then to a child care facility and be exposed to a caregiver's best. then come home to a mother who has had a break from kids and receive her best. why do i believe they should be by my side? because in their early development i think they need to see at least one person as they really are. they watch how i react to every situation, negative and positive. they have a guide for every problem. and (ideally) i'm striving to be a genuinely kind and forgiving and penitent and grateful individual, even when things are totally lame. for them there's no wondering what i'm really like. what a wonderful way to enter the world.

2. marriage is such a gift. the love of a spouse is healing and sustaining. i've been awakening to my gratitude for my darling husband and i feel overwhelmed by the greatness of the blessing. sometimes i look at him and my chest feels like it's full of concrete. i can hardly breath. i tell him that i love him so much that it hurts and he gives me a sweet, quizzical look.

talking last night we both agreed that we could weather any storm, so long as we were together. the one trial we couldn't stand against would be some sort of a wedge between us. knowing that any trial might come to us at any time, we resolved to rejoice fully in our present passionate feelings for one another. we continue to fortify our marriage, to protect it, to give priority to it, for it is our hope to always be growing closer, until we are one.

3. i am the type of person who has big plans. i dream and dream about the destinations in our future. those plans sometimes start to feel too big or too far away, and i am humbled. i realize that i am not in total control and that frustrates me. i turn to God and He lovingly reminds me of the the task at hand. i am inspired what to do, but never about exactly where that action will lead. and i'm actually learning to be okay with that.

"lead, kindly light... keep thou my feet. i do not ask to see the distant scene. one step's enough for me." i know what i'm supposed to be doing. He gave me the steps, but not the distant scene. one- praying each day to be led to someone who needs help. two- paint my women warriors dream. three- continue to be what i already am.

i can hear tiny feet running off to make mischief. i can feel a draft from an open door. i detect a whimper from a hungry baby. so i am done.

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