Friday, December 28, 2012


i'm coming back to life. i feel hope and peace returning.

i look around me and i am starting to see again. projects i want to do. adventures waiting.

i actually thought about rearranging the house. but i'm not quite to the point of acting, yet. just that i thought about it is a sign that i'm coming back to life. i have desire and passion again.

i'm starting to awaken out of a sleep-walk. i make myself laugh when i notice the product of my lack-of-productivity.

every flat surface is packed with "i'll do it later"s. but the kids are alive and happy, so i've decided not to be too hard on myself.

a mental health councilor called me the other day to ask about my situation and to check up on me a bit. i explained, "i love my kids, and i know we chose to have them all close together like this, so we are the ones to blame for the craziness. but i can't help wondering if we made a huge mistake because i can't give them each as much as i'd like. there's not enough of me to go around."

she told me, "they are getting things from their interaction with each other that are priceless. plus you stay home with them. so they have it very, very good. it's just really hard on you." i guess i hadn't thought of it that way before.

there is a woman, a fellow parent I met through Liam's school. she has four kids, spaced like mine are. only now her youngest is in 1st grade. same situation, different season. she gives me hope and encouragement every time i talk to her. she helps me wrangle the kids sometimes. and she gives me valuable and concise advice. i love her. she told me that when her kids were all little, one would come up to her while she was doing the dishes and ask her to play. she would say, "my gift to you is your siblings. go find your sister." at first i was taken aback by her blunt refusal. but now i am starting to understand what she meant.

my dear mother-in-law has a little prayer on her refrigerator and every time we go to visit i read and reread it. it's not commonly quoted in the Mormon culture so i am so thankful that she shared it or i might never have had such a valuable reminder in my life.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

chaos, do your worst. we'll make it through together. taking it one shelf at a time.


prettybaby said...

you're awesome xx

you can call me aunt choody said...

Very true.

joolee said...

"my gift to you is your siblings"??? genius! think of what a wonderful childhood your kids are having. they'll remember it always. i couldn't have had a better one myself, but i have no clue how my mother got through it all - 6 kids in 10 yrs. :) you are doing something monumental, megan!

Marie said...

Megan You are so loved. Thank u so very much for the photo album. Words can't express how precious and meaningful it means to me
So many favorite memories from the first page on
Love the kids artworks. Love Mom

Holly Bierly Young said...

I had to crack up at the spices next to the nail polish- Currently, our welcome mat says "Seasons Greetings" and our wreath says, "Give THanks" and there are two rotting pumpkins on my porch that the squirrels have gotten into. Bah. And we don't have ANY kids. :)

Lean into it. You are a good mom. Enjoying your blog as always. Holly

Kat & Paul said...

Just checked in to blogger for the first time in forever. love your post. everything you said applies to my life right now.

Anne Fitzgerald said...

I grew up with four brothers and sisters and we now refer to our house as the drunk monkey Wouldn't change it for anything. I think the problem may lie with places like pinterest and Facebook where everything looks so put together and it makes everyone look so put together. Make that to do list and find satisfaction in crossing off each item at a time. If all else fails, have your kids do a scavenger hunt for all things out of place and sort together on a large table. Teaching kids categories and organization while having family time. Everyone wins but Especially mommy!

Natalie said...

I totally understand. Not the kids so close together part, but the part about coming back into yourself, and accepting professional help. I've been back and forth, and just went through some more thurough testing and diagnosing, and I'm happy to say, I feel like I'm in a good place now.

Some of the most talented people I know have issues with mental health. There's nothing wrong with that. I've heard, however, that peppermint coffee from McDonald's might help?:)But only accept it if the Bishop pays for it. Then, it's ok.

That is some DANG good advice you got from the health provider.

Richard and McKenna said...

Thank you for this post and that quote. In March I am due to have my third baby, just a few weeks after my oldest child's third birthday (who is also a Liam haha) and sometimes I wonder if I will be able to handle it. Especially considering my husband will be starting medical school a few months later and will never be home. Thank you for the encouraging words and the reassurance I am doing the right thing in giving my kids siblings :)