serenity.

i'm coming back to life. i feel hope and peace returning.

i look around me and i am starting to see again. projects i want to do. adventures waiting.

i actually thought about rearranging the house. but i'm not quite to the point of acting, yet. just that i thought about it is a sign that i'm coming back to life. i have desire and passion again.

i'm starting to awaken out of a sleep-walk. i make myself laugh when i notice the product of my lack-of-productivity.

every flat surface is packed with "i'll do it later"s. but the kids are alive and happy, so i've decided not to be too hard on myself.

a mental health councilor called me the other day to ask about my situation and to check up on me a bit. i explained, "i love my kids, and i know we chose to have them all close together like this, so we are the ones to blame for the craziness. but i can't help wondering if we made a huge mistake because i can't give them each as much as i'd like. there's not enough of me to go around."

she told me, "they are getting things from their interaction with each other that are priceless. plus you stay home with them. so they have it very, very good. it's just really hard on you." i guess i hadn't thought of it that way before.

there is a woman, a fellow parent I met through Liam's school. she has four kids, spaced like mine are. only now her youngest is in 1st grade. same situation, different season. she gives me hope and encouragement every time i talk to her. she helps me wrangle the kids sometimes. and she gives me valuable and concise advice. i love her. she told me that when her kids were all little, one would come up to her while she was doing the dishes and ask her to play. she would say, "my gift to you is your siblings. go find your sister." at first i was taken aback by her blunt refusal. but now i am starting to understand what she meant.

my dear mother-in-law has a little prayer on her refrigerator and every time we go to visit i read and reread it. it's not commonly quoted in the Mormon culture so i am so thankful that she shared it or i might never have had such a valuable reminder in my life.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

chaos, do your worst. we'll make it through together. taking it one shelf at a time.