james.

i only call him james when i really, desperately need to reach him. usually to calm him down.

i've been calling him james a lot lately.

when he starts to get out-of-control-hyper i ask if he'll play a game with me. i hold him in my arms and say, "close your eyes." then i touch his chin or ear or toe or elbow ever so lightly. i ask him if he felt it. and he tells me where. he smiles and giggles but sits perfectly still waiting for the soft touch.

when he is angry and agressive and won't let me hold him i ask him questions. question after question about what he just said, leading him in a monologue of his inner thoughts. i find out a few things that help me help him, but most of our conversations end up being about captain america.

the hardest parts are not knowing what he'll be like one moment to the next, trying to predict what will set him off, and wondering what the future holds for him.


whatever is coming, we'll have to take it a day at a time. and some days, an hour at a time.