Friday, March 29, 2013

sitting down.

on the way to the park i was having flashbacks. this was last springs common trek. i remembered a little boy who walked on air. i remembered i could hardly keep up he was so anxious to play.

then i left my daydream and realized, for the first time, the way ossi's own life has changed. at the time i was walking ahead of him, telling him not to quit and that he could make it the last few blocks. he cried, "i want to go home." i felt irritated.
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i helped the other kids navigate the playground for a while, but looked back to see ossi sitting in the stroller, tears running down his cheeks. he was miserable. i felt frustrated.
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he wanted to go home. he just wanted to watch a movie. the park, even in close proximity, wasn't calling to him in the slightest. i felt exasperated.
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i walked over to sit on the bench near him and immediately i felt compassion wash over me. there is just something about sitting down. i sit and suddenly i have a lap in need of a renter. he climbed over and we snuggled while he sobbed. here's what i remember of our conversation... he sobbed the whole time...

me: are you cold?
him: yeees.
me: i bet it's a lot easier for you to be warm at home, huh?
him: yeees.
me: do you remember when you used to run around half naked all of the time, and you didn't care what the weather was like, you just wanted to play?
him: yeah.
me: i bet it's a lot to worry about now that you get so cold, huh? like you have to think about that all of the time instead of having fun.
him, letting out a huge sob:yeah!
me: i bet it feels really sad to change so much and have to act so grown up when you are still a kid.
him: yeah.
me: i think there is something we can do to help you with this. i really feel like we can fix this problem you have. we'll fix it, i promise... do you think you are growing up too fast or not fast enough?
him: not fast enough.

then he climbed out of stroller and gave the park a shot. we soon left for home.
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i think i have a tendency to stress about the way that ossi's struggle affects the family, but i don't always remember that he's right there with us. he's fighting this battle just like we are, only he's fighting it constantly and he often feels lonely and misunderstood.

a little compassion goes a long way.

and so does a little research.

although his blood testing came back "normal" i decided to take a closer look at what each of the tests meant. as i was reading i noticed that in most areas he was near the lows or highs of the "normal range." as i was researching the symptoms of things like "low sodium" and "high calcium" i was amazed to see many of our concerns with ossi listed. i was especially interested in his very, very low vitamin d level and his low thyroid something hormone [i'm pretty much the worst at medical jargon]. i thought about checking to see if there was a book called "mental health for dummies" but then i realized that would be the most horrible book title ever so there is no way it's out there.

anyway, all of these things, it turns out, are interconnected. vitamin d [along with a great many other functions] stimulates the thyroid which regulates body temperature. so since we've been giving him vitamin d steadily over the past few days i've been amazed to see my son return. he's still highly frustrated and totally inflexible, but he's not so darn cold.
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and
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he can
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be a child again.
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i can't express how thankful i am for the insights granted by a loving Father as i've been seeking answers.

a friend of mine offered to watch the kids while i went to the temple for a while to serve and think things through. what a blessing. i felt so much clarity and direction. i knew why ossi wished so badly that he would just grow up. because i've been secretly wishing for him to grow up.

as i was leaving i saw a painting that schooled me. mary sat with the Savior while martha bustled and fretted. i knew then that the Lord was asking me to spend more time sitting down.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have a thyroid disorder. It is called hashimoto's. It started when I was about 6 or 7 with low vitamin d, low iron, low blood pressure, slow heartbeat, feeling cold and tired ALL THE TIME. At age 12, my body attacked and my thyroid is now "dead." I am on a thyroid replacement pill. The frustration, loneliness, anger, worry, etc that I went through then was so irritating. Tests after tests, no answers. Everything was "normal." I get Ossi's frustrations. I feel for him. It does get better (although I'm still almost always cold). The muscles stop aching, you get more energy, you feel happier, etc. I pray that it will get that much better for Ossi as well. Be sure to have his levels checked every year or so. You are an amazing woman!