Saturday, August 24, 2013

imagining the worst.

I figured we would leave with a prescription. The thought occurred to me that he might need some IV fluids administered in the office. But before we left for the appointment I didn't think to pack an overnight bag.
 photo _DSC5080_zpsb709dfae.jpg
A speedy blood test confirmed that Matthew's potassium was critically low so that his heart was in a great amount of danger. I realized that I have no idea about a million things I should probably learn.

Matthew was ready to take his bike to work that morning like any other day. Instead he was taken to the hospital in an ambulance.
 photo _DSC5079_zps08f94a62.jpgWe spoke jovially about the role reversal we were experiencing. He has always been the one in the chair by the bed. I never realized how difficult that role is. I am thankful for this hospital stay for so many reasons, foremost that it saved his life. And also because it was a log on the fire of our deep love.
 photo _DSC5085_zps61d5f132.jpg He ordered and ate his dinner. Became ill again. That was so hard to see in this new light, but I'm glad he wasn't alone.

Matt wants to share his story but he's not much for writing it all out in blog format like I do mine. He asked that I keep updating here, but I know I couldn't convey what it feels like to be him right now. Only he can do that. He is very open to talking about his experience and journey. You'll have to find away to contact him for that. Like maybe via

So as you read here about his experience, expect to be reading about male bulimia from the perspective of a wife. Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was more common for men to have such forums about personal topics? Women's issues are so highly broadcasted while our men may be sitting alone, like my dear husband was, wishing they could call out and being too afraid. 

Here's my brief hospital story.

the warm rain hits me. warm compared to the cold room i came from. the caretakers all say "it's hot in here, isn't it?" and i'm trying to keep my teeth from chattering. so matthew is asleep and i need some dinner. the cafeteria has long since closed. i venture away from the hospital in the dark. i try a few close restaurants but they're all darkened. at last, a pub. "how many in your party?" ouch. as i eat i think about what could have happened had he not come to me. had he ridden his bike to work with such an unstable heart. this would have been my life. table for one. and i prayed and prayed and prayed. then i needed my check very badly. i paid and sprinted back to him, imagining the worst. what if his room was empty when i got back.

When we came home and I read through the comments here I was touched by the love and support and so was Matt. But there is one comment that hit me the hardest. One anonymous comment that haunts me to my bones. "I was afraid he had cancer. It robbed my strapping husband of his strong muscles and, last week, of his life. I hope that your man can get through this. There is absolutely nothing romantic or cool about being a widow." Oh, my soul. Whoever you are I love you and I am so sorry. I love you, I love you.


Cecily said...

I wish you BOTH the world through this recovery. My brother suffered from bulimia and I applaud you both for sharing this journey. It WILL help others struggling through this. Xoxo

Hayden's Space said...

you too are both so very strong and together as a team you are even stronger. So this journey is one of the many that you all will conquer as a team... Love you both:)

Kloeck Family

Cody said...

Megan, you and Matt continue to amaze me. Scott and I had the opportunity to so by and visit with Matt last night when you were picking the kids up. He was so open to talking about his experience. I can't even begin to express how much you are both helping others by being so willing to share what you are going through. We are so happy to see that things looking up and you will continue to be in our daily prayers. We love you guys! Thank you, again, for sharing =)

Cindy Lou said...

I will not be anonymous to you! She is right whomever that was, there is nothing fun in being a widow. There is nothing fun in being divorced either. There is nothing good about being a wife and not knowing anything about the bills, or maintaining things on the car or around the house. It scares me when I think of the could have beens, have beens or might have beens. I know even now in this marriage I don't know all the things I need to about our debt and income. One of the hardest things I was told by one of Marks doctors was plan, and the best thing this same doctor said was if you plan, you will know and you will be alright. This is not meant to be a bummer or negative but its reality. Take care Matt, you are a great guy and your family needs you. Love you both! and the little kiddies too!

Anonymous said...

I am so grateful to see Matt in a hospital bed, meaning that the medical intervention has begun.
Your honesty and generosity in sharing this journey are admirable.
Love and good wishes from Arizona to the two of you, your beautiful children, and all who are helping.

amateur idler said...

Still praying and thinking about you guys. I love you. I don't know what another mormon would say to give you comfort - but I know that at this moment I'd need to hear that Jesus has a plan, and won't give me any burdens that are too heavy for me to bear so long as I lean on him for support. And, to second an earlier commenter, this WILL help people. It's already making me more aware and sensitive.

Angela Brown said...

You have to be the most insanely strong couple I have ever met. You two have been through a lot but have pulled through gracefully. The Lord truly must know how strong you two are. We are thinking about you and praying for comfort and strength!
<3 Angela and Roy

Mrs. Blimes said...

I don't even have words. But know that I, and my family are praying for yall. I am so sorry you are all going through this. I pray for happiness and peace and healing for you all.

Clandestine Road said...

I cannot stop thinking about this post. God be with you. What a burden. I have nothing to add that everyone else hasn't, no words of wisdom, just love and compassion.

Peace be with you and your family. Peace be with Matt and his soul.


Bridget said...

Oh, Megs. My heart aches for you and Matt.

One of my friends has been studying lately about the different things Christ's disciples are promised when they ask him for their final requests. The nine who ask to be with him are promised rest. The three who ask to work forever are promised a fulness of joy. God isn't sending you rest, he's sending you work - what will eventually become a fulness of joy. And I think that encompasses rest, too.

Love. Love, and sincere prayers of faith.