scrooge.

What kind of a crazy gets depressed on Christmas Eve? Well, me. And actually I think lots of people. My earliest experiences with feelings of intense disappointment were on my birthday mornings as a child. Not because of anything my family did or didn't do. It was just an impulse. I remember one year I spent the day cleaning the house, not because anyone asked me to, I just had this urgent need to feel sorry for myself.

I am not even going to ask why we do these things to ourselves.

So today the kids have been engulfed in my darkness. How sad for them. I have been threatening to take away presents all morning, and I can't even force a kind tone in my voice. I put Finn back to bed after he destroyed our last roll of wrapping paper. He was crying and he asked for a hug. I gave him a halfhearted squeeze and he said, "I haven't had any love today until right now." Even after that wrenching remark I've spent the last hour and a half barking orders at the kids to clean their room before family comes over tonight.

Now I can't help asking, why do we do these things to ourselves?

I believe our thoughts precede our actions. My first thoughts this morning were "I have to get the last of the presents wrapped, we need to clean and cook." I could have started with "I can't wait to see my kids" or just "thank God for this day."

See, I did all the things on my list today. And still I feel hollow. Either my list is lacking or my feelers are. Probably both.

Where is the ghost of Christmas present? I could use some fresh perspective.

Oh Finn, I'm sorry I was so worried about getting things ready for Christmas that I forgot to give you the real deal.

If Scrooge can change then it's not too late for this mama.