Tuesday, December 24, 2013


What kind of a crazy gets depressed on Christmas Eve? Well, me. And actually I think lots of people. My earliest experiences with feelings of intense disappointment were on my birthday mornings as a child. Not because of anything my family did or didn't do. It was just an impulse. I remember one year I spent the day cleaning the house, not because anyone asked me to, I just had this urgent need to feel sorry for myself.

I am not even going to ask why we do these things to ourselves.

So today the kids have been engulfed in my darkness. How sad for them. I have been threatening to take away presents all morning, and I can't even force a kind tone in my voice. I put Finn back to bed after he destroyed our last roll of wrapping paper. He was crying and he asked for a hug. I gave him a halfhearted squeeze and he said, "I haven't had any love today until right now."  photo _DSC1883_zpsee9194f7.jpg Even after that wrenching remark I've spent the last hour and a half barking orders at the kids to clean their room before family comes over tonight.

Now I can't help asking, why do we do these things to ourselves?

I believe our thoughts precede our actions. My first thoughts this morning were "I have to get the last of the presents wrapped, we need to clean and cook." I could have started with "I can't wait to see my kids" or just "thank God for this day."

See, I did all the things on my list today. And still I feel hollow. Either my list is lacking or my feelers are. Probably both.

Where is the ghost of Christmas present? I could use some fresh perspective.

Oh Finn, I'm sorry I was so worried about getting things ready for Christmas that I forgot to give you the real deal.

If Scrooge can change then it's not too late for this mama.


Staci said...

YOU HAVE NO IDEA..how much I needed to hear this from you! I have felt like this all month and I wanna blame it on my pregnancy b/c I have never dealt with depression or mood swings like this before so i have felt all alone and horrible. Today I did wake up telling myself to love love love and it's turned out to be a much better day then the last month. Thank you for being you!

Alycia said...

That's the awful thing about depression; you don't get to choose the good or bad days. It doesn't know when Christmas is. Just keeping doing the best you can and give yourself a break. You work hard for your family and they obviously love you very much.

Cody and Brittany... probably Brittany said...

Thank you for your posts. I have 3 children ages 1, 2, & 3 and also deal with depression. I'm sorry you have hard days, but I love that you breavely post about them. It makes me feel like I'm not alone and that I can do this whole mom thing.