Monday, November 9, 2015

something bigger.

what do i want to be, really?

where is my passion, where is my soul?

a doctor. well, the idea sounds nice. i want people not to hurt so much.
 photo upstairs 1 of 8_zpsnvlsjanx.jpg
i told the kids, "i would rather you accidentally break your arm than treat another human badly." it was one of those awful things that fly out of my mouth sometimes that i desperately hope they'll never quote out of context.

it's true though. i wouldn't even have to say it out loud for them, really. they know i feel this way because i let them pull outrageous stunts climbing in and out of the treehouse (the things they do could buckle the knees of even the toughest of grandmas) but i'm out back lecturing as quick as a whip if they've shut the trap door and won't let someone up.
 photo upstairs 2 of 8_zpsk6viy7yo.jpg
i let liam ride in the front seat. i haven't checked about the age rule, but don't tell me. i don't want to know.

i let him ride in the front so that i can talk to him. the other day i witnessed a scene of childhood snobbery and i had to get his view and put in my two cents.
 photo upstairs 3 of 8_zpsubmr7ikn.jpg
you see, we were walking with some friends after school. nice kids. funny kids. kids who come from a lower economic status. but we didn't think about that. we saw another group of walking friends ahead. nice, funny kids who come from families who are higher on the economic ladder. my kids yelled out, "let's all walk together!" and ran ahead. the ahead kids greeted my kids just fine but when the other friends caught up the whole scene changed. it was so incredibly sad for me.
 photo upstairs 4 of 8_zpswjom7w8g.jpg
i watched from the distance while the more wealthy kids' body language changed to specifically exclude the less wealthy kids. they walked in the grass to avoid them, then on to the other side of trees, then they ran across the street.

the hardest part was watching liam through this and seeing that these actions were cues for him. i saw him shy away from the group as he worked to understand the situation. i felt my heart squeeze tight as i thought of these children and the way that this is probably not the first or the last time they'll be treated this way. and i thought of their perception of liam's reaction.

no one cried. but to me it hurt worse than a broken bone.
 photo upstairs 5 of 8_zpsemua0qcl.jpg
so i let liam ride in the front seat a few days later. we talked about the situation and his reaction. we talked about what he saw and felt and feared and understood. i was so happy to hear him work through the scenario and apply what he knew to be true. after we talked we sang together...

if you don't walk as most people do, some people walk away from you...
but i won't, i won't
if you don't talk as most people do, some people talk and laugh at you...
but i won't, i won't
i'll walk with you, i'll talk with you, that's how i'll show my love for you

Jesus walked away from none He gave His love to everyone...
so i will, i will
i'll walk with you, i'll talk with you, that's how i'll show my love for you
 photo upstairs 6 of 8_zpshrvpd88k.jpg
i don't want people to hurt so much. but not broken-bone kind of hurt.

really, my passion lives in helping people to find healing and strength through kindness, virtue, and love. through God.
 photo upstairs 7 of 8_zpsuqau4kqh.jpg
i want to be a missionary. i want to be a teacher. i want to be a friend. mostly i want to be a mom.
 photo upstairs 8 of 8_zps3xerstla.jpg
i know my faith counts. my life may be modest and my social contributions humble, but i know that teaching my children to be accountable to something bigger to themselves is terribly important.

i know that no anti-bulling laws or school-yard restrictions can ever come close to the power of virtue taught in the home.


Kirsten said...

Beautiful post. I actually have a hard time with that primary song. I have a son who doesn't talk 'like most people do' and sometimes not walk either. It was hard for me, a few years ago in the primary presidency to hear the kids on my street who hadn't been so nice to him that week sing that song. But I will, I will! Nope. And then this year was his first time NOTin the program after turning 12, and the primary sang that song. I couldn't help but wonder what my son was picking up from that song as he listened. He now knows he isn't like 'most people'. Both situations... I just don't love that song. :( it has a beautiful meaning but...

Megan Marie said...

I appreciate you sharing your heart here. That must be really hard for both of you to feel the hypocrisy of those words when the actions don't match. Also, the implications that, "most people" are one thing and we are different can make us feel so isolated. It reminds me of that saying, "focus on the things that make us one."

I think back to when I was younger and it makes me sad to think of the ways that I may have excluded others or failed to see needs around me. I still fail in so many ways. The gospel is simple, and lovely, and beautiful, like a happy song. But we're slow to bring our lives into harmony with it.

My least favorite primary song phrase is "no one likes a frowny face." It makes me think that if someone is sad they have to hide it or people won't like them. It strikes a bad note for me because of my struggles with depression. However lovely the power of positive thinking is, i really don't care for that song.