Monday, July 11, 2016

the state of my heart.

last night i had a dream that matthew had a secret gambling problem and i found out that he'd just blown ten thousand dollars.

this morning i remember stirring to the sound of him getting ready to go lift weights at the gym. i remember curling up into a little ball in bed and turning my back to him, so mad at him for losing all of our money.
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it wasn't until he was gone that i actually awoke and realized that it had only been a dream.

i also realized that it is his birthday today.
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i'm scolding myself for building walls, even if only in my sleep.

"If there are barriers, it is because we ourselves have created them." -Bonnie L. Oscarson
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the reality is that matthew has a sneaky side. he doesn't mean to be secretive, but it's in him. he's faced some immense issues and he's typically kept them under wraps. those memories have faded for me and in my waking, thoughtful state i can trust him. but the intense emotion that accompanied the discovery of his secrets, the feeling of total shock like having the wind knocked out of me, that must still linger inside of me.

i have a vague memory of an object lesson about an orange representing a heart. over time and through pain the sweet openness can become covered in a bitter peal. or something like that.
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"All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently,... purifies our hearts... and makes us more tender and charitable,... and it is through... toil and tribulation, that we gain the education." -Orson F. Whitney

when it comes to my pain which will it be? will the trial cause me to build a bitter peal, or will it lead to a pure, tender heart? and what causes the distinction?
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i don't exactly have an answer, but i'm working on a three-step process to address my personal issues and questions.

1. act in faith
2. compare and contrast a worldly perspective and an eternal view
3. acquire information from credible sources
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i know that Christ can heal all wounds. to act in faith will mean trusting that even the deep fears that plague my dreams can be taken from me through the Atonement. it will involve moving forward in our marriage, doing things that make us stronger and more united.

thankfully we're so-stinking-in-love. we've been married ten years, which is insane, and we've had so many adventures together. whatever condition my heart is in, i know to whom it belongs.

marrying matty has really been like striking oil. game-changing. and messy.

for our anniversary in april we went to ifly in portland and LOVED it. we spent the night near the temple and worked their together, remembering the covenants we've made to one another. someone anonymously paid for our olive-garden dinner. we saw a coyote and a bunny in the heart of the city. and on the way home we were traveling by chance along the highway in a funeral procession for a fallen soldier. the world came alive for us, as so often happens when we're together. we find beauty, that's what we do.

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