Sunday, October 16, 2016

my golem.

when the stars align so that we've got a quiet evening at home i'm pretty dumbfounded. i love it, yes, but i almost don't know what to do with myself. that's when i scoop up my camera and try to bottle the moment.
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generally, i feel content about life right now. we don't have any big projects going and our home is pretty orderly. the boys seem to be loving their new school and matt's work is steady and comfortable. he and i have been having weekly planning meetings and weekly date-nights (yes, two separate events. wow, right?).
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my online classes have become more predictable, the volunteer and exercise schedules i've set are sustainable. evy seems to be handling the challenge of having more alone time.
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we've had some recent trouble with ossi's struggles (that deserves a post of its own), but we have been able to retain a sense of purpose and hope.
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so, the real trick is to not self-sabotage. i've been noticing that my contentment leads to staying up a little later to watch shows or neglecting simple tasks. when i let the little things slip i can feel my depression swoop on me. especially when i'm not sleeping well. i also need to watch the little voice in my head that tells me i'm not good enough.
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i recently explained to matt, "when i'm doing one thing i feel like i should be doing something else. when i'm working on a fun project i think i should be doing school. when i'm doing school work i think i should be cleaning the house. when i'm cleaning the house i think i should be reading my scriptures. and when i'm reading scriptures i'm content but i know that there's all the other work still to be done. it's hard to let myself have joy and be present in whatever i'm doing."

one reason i love to talk to matt is that he cuts through that voice with a stronger tone and tells me i'm allowed to be happy.
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i feel like my camera is a breathing-exercise for my spirit. i can stop and just walk around and verify to myself that life is beautiful.  
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the other thing i do lately is listen to this speech, "Joy and Spiritual Survival." unlike many of the videos circulating the internet these days it isn't flashy or calculated to provoke intense emotion. it's just full of truth that sings to my soul, illuminating a path. another is this, "Am I Good Enough? Will I Make It?" the same rich power of truth in this speech pulls me to my feet and helps me face my depression.
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because, frankly, my depression isn't limited by how great my life is going. it nips at my heels in the best and worse of times. depression is my golem.

that's one things i've accepted about my journey.

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