Friday, December 16, 2016

falling.

there are moments when time slows for us.

like when we fall.
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normally the seconds fly, forming a dynamic vision.

but when we fall it's slow frames.
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i feel like this happens in motherhood, sometimes.
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like the days move along in a steady stream of tasks until something upsets the normal flow.
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and in that upset we watch our children frame by frame.
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it could be the smallest things that set me falling.

like i notice that evy suddenly has the nose of a grown girl. or that liam suddenly has a strong opinion that belongs only to him.
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i stop and look at them.
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i really see them for a moment.
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and i remember in that second that eventually we'll hit the ground.
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i remember that our world, the way it is just now, is slowly ending.
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a funny phlebotomist (ossi goes for regular blood draws these days) told the kids it was time for a baby sister and i just laughed at him. i laughed because that chapter closed so quickly, like a blink. my baby is five now.

it's a little surreal that we've written that part of our story. it's set.
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i'm happy with it. we did the best we could with what we had. (that's a famous saying from my parents.) and we have so much more ahead.
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so the little realizations of change and growth set me falling sometimes.
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also i decide to jump every once in a while.

i reserve a day for a frame-by-frame.
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we need fall days every once in a while.
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days to let our emotions well up in the corners of our eyes.
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to breath them in with relish and out with a tiny sigh of mourning.
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because the scare of falling wakes us up to how blessed we are to be here now...
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here in the world of hide-and-seek.
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of stick collections.
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of playground equipment.
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a place where all bugs must must be rescued.
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where mom is the tallest of all.
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the perfect hight for piggy-backs.
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where the grass is so green, the flowers are still blooming, the leaves are bright, and kids are still little.
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