99 problems.

today someone on a bike called me stupid.

to be exact she said. "you. are. so. stupid."

i wondered when this world got to be like this.

when did the trolling move curbside?

i felt like running away from 'civilization.'

i felt like we could experience more courtesy in the woods.

my kids were so confused. 'why did that lady call you stupid?'

it gets exhausting explaining people. justifying people. i try to help my kids understand other humans in kind ways, though sometimes i just want to say, 'because she's stupid.'

but i feel like the day i don't care anymore about understanding, the day it doesn't bother me or make me feel sad, is the day that i've totally given up on people.

see, because that lady has no idea that i've already been feeling very inadequate. if she'd had any idea that i'm battling extremely negative self-talk these past few days... if she knew i was barely functioning between doses of dayquil and nyquil... if she knew me.

if she knew me i think she'd like me.

so i just have to assume that if i knew her i think i'd like her, too. there's a whole story behind her backing her up.



not to say that changes anything.

it's still not fun to be surrounded by humans who seem to be getting less and less friendly.


i still want to run away and live in the woods.

just about the time i summon some gratitude for our city-living i get the wind knocked out of me.



last week we were hours away from drafting an offer on some lush, hilly, wooded land when we experienced a hesitation during a family prayer.

we'd gone out to the property to explore again, to think things through, and to pray for peace about the decision. we knelt together and bowed our heads through a slight drizzle.

when we finished our prayer we all felt luke-warm about the prospect.

later finn expressed that he felt as if something else, something more right, was coming soon and that we needed to be patient.

when finn tells you to be patient you know something is up.

so i have a head full of ideas from zip lines to tree houses to shipping-container-actual-houses, and no where to bring them to life.

that has actually been super depressing.
the kids ran in the house ahead of me announcing, 'someone called mom stupid!' so matt was waiting with open arms.

and i know he's thinking, 'that lady. is. so. stupid.' even though he doesn't say it out loud.

he doesn't ask me what i was doing or why she said that. he just holds onto me while i fall apart and my runny nose drips all over him. he gets me some more cough syrup and walks me to bed. he lays and listens as i tell him all the ways i'm inadequate.

then he says, 'you've got 99 problems but love ain't one.'
i may not be patient.

or super-on-top-of-everything.

or clairvoyant.

i may not be the most-aware-sharer-of-the-road.


but my family loves me anyway.