gweneth's birth story

we'd been watching the lord of the rings two towers, you know the one with the tree-beards, before we'd gone to bed. i awoke around midnight having had dreams that trees were sprouting from my belly.

living an hour's drive from our chosen hospital added some anxiety to my labor pains. i wondered if then when. if then when the next contraction would hit, if then when they'd stop altogether so i could sleep, if then when i should finish packing my bag, if then when should we drive.

at around four we prayed together and decided it was when.

 i breathed through the trees. the curvy forrest and field drive felt different in the darkness. i was in a lot of pain, still i felt worried they would send me all the way home. i'd only been dilated to a 2.5 that morning- no change from the week before despite whole nights of braxton hicks.

the midwife over intake pronounced that i was at a 5 almost 6 and told us it was good we came. matthew helped me to take my boots off- one of the zippers was stuck and we had a little laugh about the possibility of my wearing one boot while giving birth.

 the test for COVID-19 was not pleasant. the nurse who administered the test was.

i felt very thankful for the kindness of my nurses and the connection i felt to them from the beginning. as i've reflected about what i would want gweneth to know about her birth i've mostly considered humanity and the virtues that compel ordinary people to learn and serve in extraordinary ways. every woman who cared for me was so wise and very warm. i thought about their training and all it took for them to take their positions in this hospital. i thought about the families and their ability to look beyond their own needs to serve others with their skills, especially during a pandemic.

 after an epidural and a tiny bit of pitocin (my contractions were strong but far apart) i felt that the baby was coming. matt checked and went running out into the hall in an excited panic.

several woman came in with the confidence to put us at ease. i remember the doctor was named tovi. isn't that a pretty name? tovi checked me and a look of panic came over her.

 "i need a second opinion about..." she continued in medical jargon. her face told us something was not right. two, three doctors needed?

i felt scared. i heard "she's breech" and "emergency c-section."

that's how i found out she was a girl. matt could see that she was a girl. he also felt so scared.

 "i need a blessing" i thought the words. in response i felt matthew's hand brush my head briefly and i knew instinctively that he'd given me a silent priesthood blessing. i felt my Savior's power through our combined faith flow through me. i knew i could do this and that it would be okay. later matthew told my that his prayer had been something like, "please. please. please. please."

one of the three doctors stepped forward and said with strength, "there is no time for a c-section, and that's going to be just fine. you are going to do this and we're going to be here to help you. you have had four children before and you can do this." i nodded and i knew she was right.

 i gathered my courage and prayed as i waited for the next contraction to come.

 i remember when liam was born i'd known how to push. it wasn't the kind of thing i knew from reading about birthing, it was an inner wisdom that came out in that moment. i remember the nurses and doctor then saying that i was doing great and i remember feeling such gratitude for the miracle of such strength that passes understanding. i've always had the epidural, so i'm not sure, but i bet innate wisdom and subsequent gratitude are ever stronger given a natural birth experience.

with gwen i reveled again in this mighty gift.

 i just knew i had to get her out in one contraction. i couldn't stand the thought of her head getting stuck so i gave all my focus to the moment. matt said later that i looked like i was in a lot of pain. i wasn't. it was the image of intensity.

gwen came bottom first with her feet up by her head. i remember the clear blue eyes of that confident doctor, the one who told me i could. she added her skill to the birth and gwen was free.

 how can i describe the scene? how i wish i had a wide-angle shot of the room! all these masked heroes, all the worry and care! there must have been fifteen care-givers in that room from the three doctors, to the NICU nurses that had come running, to what felt like every floor nurse.

someone grabbed my camera, i still don't know who.

 after a month of only being at home with my family- no big gatherings, no parties- it felt like the liveliest event i'd ever attended. as gwen cried these people cheered and hugged and high-fived and well-wished. they each came by to see this healthy miracle.

i could tell that a natural breech birth was quite an excitement for this crew at kaiser- they must always do c-sections. i guess tricky gwen flipped in the last moments to give them a good show.

 i cried happy tears. i cried for gweneth who was a girl. my daughter. i cried for the welcome, the love, the skilled staff, the contagion of happiness in being with other happy humans.

the next day the timid intake midwife came to see gwen and to hear the story. she said with a hint of a plea that she was quite sure that gwen had been head down and she expressed her great surprise. she cried with me as i described the scene and told her that i know it worked out exactly right. she told me that i was "an excellent candidate" to give an experience like that to this staff. i'm picturing tovi's face the next time she encounters a bum where a head should be!

 gweneth nursed perfectly minutes after her arrival. brilliant baby.

she kept her eyes open for her first hour. brilliant baby.

 this has been by far my hardest recovery. though i escaped "without a scratch" i found out later that i was the less than 1% to experience a spinal headache after the epidural. something wrong was punctured and i had spinal fluid leaking in my spine. eek.

 that looked like wait-it-out misery or another scary procedure.

i tried the wait-it-out for five days then went for the scary procedure. again, gwen, can i sing you the praise of savvy humans? once more, let's give them a hand.

 i could continue on about the delicious roast beef sandwiches that i ordered one after another. i could tell of the many marco-polo messages we received from our big kids at home. but in honor of the quiet peace we experienced with our baby girl after we moved rooms to recovery, i'll quiet down and let the pictures speak.

 Gweneth Mae Riley
born May 6th
6 lbs 14 oz

20.5 inches long
backwards and beautiful and beloved