Goodbye tree.

Our water-use restrictions and hot hot days had me out early Saturday babying my beloved plants. I remember looking over our redbud forest pansy and asking myself, "Is it time to remove the bamboo support?" My mind scrolled the last two years Matt and I had spent nurturing the fickle tree through harsher than normal conditions. I gave it a little extra water and ruffled its leaves as I decided that we'd wait a bit to remove the rod keeping it straight. 

A little later that morning I gave Ossi some news he didn't like and it turned treacherous. We were leaving to chaperone Liam's group at a camp while Grandma watched Evy and Gwen and Finn played at a friend's. Ossi would have the day on his own at the house (which we genuinely believed he would like best of any plans) to do whatever... without working WiFi. 

Have you ever had a reason to Google symptoms of bipolar disorder? 

People may experience:

Mood: mood swings, sadness, elevated mood, anger, anxiety, apathy, apprehension, euphoria, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest, or loss of interest or pleasure in activities

Behavioral: irritability, risk taking behaviors, disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, crying, excess desire for sex, hyperactivity, impulsivity, restlessness, or self-harm

Cognitive: unwanted thoughts, delusion, lack of concentration, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority

Psychological: depression, manic episode, agitated depression, or paranoia

Weight: weight gain or weight loss

Sleep: difficulty falling asleep or excess sleepiness

Parents (like us) may experience deep confusion and an overwhelming sense of loss and fear.

Maybe it's dramatic of me to state that my son is guilty of second degree tree murder. Maybe he's right when he says that any other grownup would let it go right away and not make a big deal of it. 

Something changed after the tree. I guess I could say that the incident awakened in me the realization that I need a bamboo rod of my own- not for smacking anyone, just something extra to lean on in these harsh conditions. 

I have considered support groups before- but I'm going to tell you that it's so bad, so so bad sometimes, that I think I must be making it up. This can't be happening. No child can really be this vindictive, can they? And if I could just change who I am it should get better, right? 

5 days later... Everything has visibly calmed... The tree is gone to the roots. But I feel as attacked as the redbud, as hatchet-hacked with sharp words. If it was real how am I still standing here?