Saturday, November 20, 2010

The top of my list.

Put simply, even my most horrible days in this past few weeks are not so bad when I think of what life was like this time last year. You know, at the time I thought I was being honest and documenting it all very well; the challenging pregnancy, the extreem loneliness, the feeling that I would rather be catatonic than wake up one more day to ALL of it. I thought I was wearing my grief around my neck for all to see. Well, I'm smiling in almost every picture and video from the time. I cannot remember accepting very much help, although the people around me were so very willing to give. I've been told I was sending a vibe that said something like 'just leave me alone.' Yes, I barreled through it, like increasing my velocity while approaching a speed-bump, thinking it could somehow be easier that way.

Eek. I'm only just realizing that all of my laughter and smiles in those clips are so forced. I was crying like Sparky, only on the inside.

Yesterday I was chasing three kids around a church meeting, trying to keep them quiet when I was asked to offer a prayer. The baby in my arms was flailing and happily noise-making so a very nice man, a friend of ours, asked me if he could hold him for me. I answered with a smile, 'no, that's ok.' And bowed my head. A wave of realization washed over me. I was doing it again. I was barreling, all the while telling people to back away from me without actually speaking (like the Korean guy from Lost). I raised my head and said, 'you know what, thank you.' And I handed Fitz over for the 30 second prayer and surrendering of my ego.

The thing is, when my husband is not around, I am both of us. And I don't delegate parenting. But I am learning that I can accept help with my children and still be a very good mother. Aha!

So this thanksgiving at the top of my list of gratitude is my wonderful husband who scoops me up in his arms and tells me it's ok to let the sad show. I can more-than-trust him with that sorrow. Plus now my husband is here with me, regardless of the long hours he spends at work, he comes home and sleeps by my side! Hallelujah!

Just down from that on the list I'll pen my thankfulness for the hard things we go through and the time we have to reflect and learn from them. I know I have a long way to go when it comes to trust and taking down the wall of pride I've built, but I've come further this year than I could possibly have guessed.

I know the source of my blessings is a loving Heavenly Father who watches us pass through the refiner's fire, knowing we are strong enough, and that what we will be thereafter, is something beyond our greatest plans for ourselves.


Matthew James said...

You are such an amazing women! I bet your husband is one lucky fellow. ;-)

Megan Marie said...

You goof. Come home from work, Mr.

Trapper and Suzy said...

How do you do it, Megan? You manage to say everything I feel and think in such a way that makes it beautiful and completely understandable, and it just fills me with love for you. I especially love that last paragraph. You are definitely gifted in eloquence. Thanks for sharing that post.

She Loves The Color Pink said...

I love this post. Today I had a humbling experience at church where my husband had so much to do with his calling and I was in sharing time with my one year old. A sweet lady offered to take him and at first I said no and then like you, finally agreed. It was such a relief to have some help in that moment!