Friday, December 28, 2012


i'm coming back to life. i feel hope and peace returning.

i look around me and i am starting to see again. projects i want to do. adventures waiting.

i actually thought about rearranging the house. but i'm not quite to the point of acting, yet. just that i thought about it is a sign that i'm coming back to life. i have desire and passion again.

i'm starting to awaken out of a sleep-walk. i make myself laugh when i notice the product of my lack-of-productivity.

every flat surface is packed with "i'll do it later"s. but the kids are alive and happy, so i've decided not to be too hard on myself.

a mental health councilor called me the other day to ask about my situation and to check up on me a bit. i explained, "i love my kids, and i know we chose to have them all close together like this, so we are the ones to blame for the craziness. but i can't help wondering if we made a huge mistake because i can't give them each as much as i'd like. there's not enough of me to go around."

she told me, "they are getting things from their interaction with each other that are priceless. plus you stay home with them. so they have it very, very good. it's just really hard on you." i guess i hadn't thought of it that way before.

there is a woman, a fellow parent I met through Liam's school. she has four kids, spaced like mine are. only now her youngest is in 1st grade. same situation, different season. she gives me hope and encouragement every time i talk to her. she helps me wrangle the kids sometimes. and she gives me valuable and concise advice. i love her. she told me that when her kids were all little, one would come up to her while she was doing the dishes and ask her to play. she would say, "my gift to you is your siblings. go find your sister." at first i was taken aback by her blunt refusal. but now i am starting to understand what she meant.

my dear mother-in-law has a little prayer on her refrigerator and every time we go to visit i read and reread it. it's not commonly quoted in the Mormon culture so i am so thankful that she shared it or i might never have had such a valuable reminder in my life.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

chaos, do your worst. we'll make it through together. taking it one shelf at a time.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

the house of bamboo.

(caught the boys peeing all together)

top five Christmas eve:

5. watching this hilarious cat video over and over again
4. everything nachos and warm cookies for desert
3. making snowflakes with all of the kids
2. singing carols with family and friends while the children danced
1. bowl-ing

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

a mellow thanks.

thank you everyone. 

so many people have sent me encouraging and uplifting messages and thoughts. many people have shared with me the battle they've fought and continue to fight within themselves against discouragement and depression.

i'm a little, well, a lot mellow lately. not so much sad, just totally unmotivated.

so i ask for continued patience and understanding as i work my way through this. though, i know i don't really need to ask. everyone in my life seems to give these gifts so freely.

i'm so grateful for a loving Father who has sent me so much love through the actions of others and in my times of meditation and searching.

we've been...

trying to feel the spirit of Christmas.

putting lots of art into our sweet neighbor's mail-box.

eating a ton of popcorn.

going on long drives to see spots that remind us of happy times.

loving the blessings of Liam's school, but being very glad he's out for break.

(he and daddy stayed up late one night to make friendship bracelets for all of his classmates.)

we've been taking apart the old vacuum for fun.

appreciating matt's wonderful job, but really looking forward to his days off.

adoring the sweetest baby girl.

using a flood light in our dining room to simulate the sunshine.

driving up and down lit streets until the kids fall asleep.

and snuggling the sweetest kitty-cat there ever was.


Dear Santa,

Thank you for a bike with spider-man riding it from last year.

We have Christmas because we want it to be my birthday after. And to have Jesus' birthday. I think baby Jesus would like a rainbow for His birthday.

For Christmas, I would like for Christmas FUZZY STUFF. One of my stuffed animals' fuzzy.

The fuzzy stuff inside of stuffed animals.

with love,

Note from mom: Finn has been pulling the fuzz out of things since he was a baby. He plays with it and snuggles it. Thankfully he's stopped eating it.

Friday, December 14, 2012

my broken heart.

i read one thought. then another. sadness and anger pouring out of people through their facebook statuses. slowly piecing it all together, i check the news.

i don't often check the news. it hurts too much.

but i checked today.

 my heart fails me. then i find peace in the love of our Savior.

the kids and i knelt in prayer after Liam came home from school to thank Heavenly Father for each other and ask His blessings upon the families of those dear children and teachers.

so many things in our prayers these days.

Monday, December 10, 2012

my girl.

i remember when i thought i wouldn't have a daughter.

after those three boys in a row we thought we were done. and i fully faced that i wouldn't have a little missy. i can't even express my gratitude for the urging we felt to have another child.

i thought all three of my boys were going to be girls until the ultrasounds. then we chose not to find out with our fourth and i thought that it was going to be a boy. wrong every time.

eveleen is super sassy. she doesn't take any guff from anyone, especially finn. she climbs everything in sight and is afraid to climb back down so she'll stand on a chair whining all day until somebody gives in and pulls her off. then she'll climb right back up and hollar some more.

she has a special bond with ossi. every time i try to wipe her nose she throws a huge fit but she'll sit perfectly still and let ossi pick her boogers out one-by-one. he frees her from her crib the second she makes a tiny peep. so sometimes we're waken up around dawn by a tiny baby being tossed onto our bed.

she loves to be chased and tickled. she loves picking out her own clothes and usually she picks spiderman pajamas. she loves trying on shoes. she doesn't even really mind having her hair done.

the girl is a book-ripping fiend. it's her personal goal to tear a page out of every set of scriptures in the house.

we think she might be left-handed.

she only eats with a spoon or fork in hand (though she doesn't always use it) and if you give her a full bowl or plate, she won't dump it out or throw it or anything! it's a little eery.

when she was only about 7 months old, right when she started crawling, i was asking the boys to help me clean up their toys and they were ignoring me. she crawled right over and started putting the toys in the bin. i almost died of shock. ever since then if i ask her for help, she helps, like for reals. the other day she found a rag on the floor and immediately started scrubbing. some times when she acts like that i wonder what life would have been like in a house of girls. then i remember that i'm a girl and that i don't think i was like that. it's just her. she's thoughtful.

i remember when i thought i wouldn't have a daughter.

it never felt so good to be wrong.