Wednesday, October 9, 2013

good timbers

what am i doing? what was i thinking?

i curl up into a little ball on the couch and cover my head with a blanket.

matt's in the kitchen, stricken with inexplicable nerves.

the kids are like buzzing flies that beg to be swatted.
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that happens sometimes when an a person with anxiety marries a person with depression.

i am listening to our church's general conference. i hear, "mothers do so much good in the home" and "of greatest importance are the responsibilities parents have to teach their children." and i think, "what am i doing? what was i thinking?" i don't want to go to school right now. my dream has always been to stay at home with my children and to invest all my energy into them and my husband. this dream goes along with the values at the very core of me. plus my husband is unwell. so what am i doing? what was i thinking?
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then i remember the intense inspiration. i prayed, "okay Father, if i'm supposed to become a doctor you're going to have to hit me over the head with the confirmation because now is really not a good time." and my chest filled with lead. i knew i was supposed to go back to school, and i knew that i would be a doctor.

so now that i've seen how hard it is to balance and perform in my responsibilities as a mother and a student i'm really being tempted to doubt my abilities. doubt the timing. doubt the reality that this is exactly what Heavenly Father wants for our family right now.
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another thought from general conference comes to me... it may not make sense without some context so i'll tell you that this is advice given to leaders who sometimes must round up people to help with community service.

"You may well have been inspired not to ask someone to help load and then unload that truck. As a leader you know your quorum members and their families well. The Lord knows them perfectly.
He knows whose wife was near the breaking point because her husband was unable to find time to do what she needed done to care for her needs. He knows which children would be blessed by seeing their father go one more time to help others or if the children needed the feeling that they matter to their father enough for him to spend time with them that day. But He also knows who needs the invitation to serve but might not appear to be a likely or willing candidate.
You cannot know all your quorum members perfectly well, but God does. So, as you have done so many times, you prayed to know whom to ask to help serve others. The Lord knows who will be blessed by being asked to help and whose family will be blessed by not being asked."

i may not understand why God would ask me to go to school when i've always wanted to be is a dedicated and devoted stay-at-home mother, and when so many of the women i admire are stay-at-home mothers, but i do believe He knows me and that He knows my kids.

the other day liam walked up to me watching a video online and said, "let me guess, more science." i overheard him saying to his brother who was complaining about going to school, "mom loves school." maybe there are some babies here who need to learn, by example, to love learning. don't ask me how this is supposed to help matthew when he's struggling most. that's where trust in the Lord comes into play.

so, it's really, really hard going to school. i don't have time for anything extra. (the last picture is in honor of crafts. RIP crafts.) and just as my desire to serve others is growing my availability to serve others is diminishing. it's hard.

so one more gem from conference...

"Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger the wind, the stronger the trees.
The further the sky, the greater the length.
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow."


Hildy said...

I loved that poem ( another post it note on the wall). Keep going, things will work out and The Lord will tell you every day, even every hour, where to put your energies if you ask and listen... Oh screaming baby, gotta go.

amateur idler said...

I know you can do this! And you still are a dedicated and devoted stay-at-home mom! My mom has worked and gone to school for a lot of my life, and I've gained a great work ethic and truly value learning as a result of watching her - and I have also never doubted that she loves me or was begrudging me her time and attention.
I don't know anything about general conference or quorums, but I KNOW you are strong and have a wonderful family and that regardless of where the future takes you, you will find beauty wherever you are. You're very good at that :)

Unknown said...

You can do this! Please reach out if you need some support. Big hugs.

Russ and Ashley said...

Have you thought about becoming a PA (physician assistant) no we don't assist :) rather than a Dr? We do the same thing as the dr take care of our own patients but work under the care of a Dr. Schooling is significantly less because we don't do a residency. I am a mom and a PA and I feel that I have the perfect balance but I also have the security that I could fully support my family if I need to.

Maryn said...

It's been a few years since I've checked up on your blog (I regret this), and can I just say how completely blown away I am every time I do happen to wander onto your blog? You are so incredibly real. I love that you share such a broad spectrum of your experiences, from the bliss to the depression. And underneath it all, you have this ever present strength that continues to grow through whatever times you're going through.

Thank you for being a genuine example of bravery. I hope that, when the time comes for me to be a mom, I can be like you.