Wednesday, November 28, 2012

happy.

wait.

i was waiting.

i knew something wasn't right. i knew i was not normal but of course i wasn't normal. i've been pregnant or nursing for the last 6 and 1/2 years, so there's that. i waited a while for "me" to return. but i've changed for good (or bad or neutral or whatever).

i love feeling like i could fly to the moon. sometimes i feel so much joy and enthusiasm that i hardly feel like my body can contain me, like i might jump and break through the roof. i've finally learned that it's not actually very good for me to be manic. i say, "sure, i'll watch your dogs. it's okay that they're not house trained. it's okay that they scratch up the doors and bite and growl at my kids. i can watch them, train them, love them. i can fly to the moon on my charitable feelings."

then comes the crash and i'm huddled in a ball on the kitchen floor sobbing, telling my children to go away and leave me alone.

the road to finding help was piecemeal. i read. i watched. i prayed.

on monday i called a doctor and made an appointment for something else. i wondered if i would be brave enough to mention "the real problem."

my dad was coming to watch the boys. they've been getting into so much trouble lately that i desperately needed to leave them in a state of calm. i laid Finn down and prayed as hard as i could..

"please, Father. please let him go to sleep. please, i ask, with everything i have. please... please... please..."  my dad would be there any second and Finn was wide awake. i opened my scriptures directly to the following verses.

Mark 11:22-24
"And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God.  For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them."

i prayed again. "Father, i know that you can help me. i have faith that you will help him fall asleep. i know you will help me. please help me." and he fell asleep. it might as well have been a mountain moved. it was a miracle that any parent of a two-year old could fully appreciate. then i thought, "i know i have faith. so please, Father, will you take away my depression."

"go see your doctor," He answered.


the science of happiness has been of particular intrest to me lately, imagine that. we watched a documentary a while back and i was totally blown away by one point made. they asserted, through findings from a broad study of identical twins, that while 50% of happiness is genetic, and 10% relates to our circumstances, 40% of our happiness is up to us.



in the video the 40% was supposed to have all of the shock value- wow, we have some say in our happiness. well, that's not news to me. the philosophy at my very core revolves around this concept, that we foster an ability to be happy. no, the real shock for me was in the 50%. so even if i'm doing everything i can to find true happiness, and even if i have the best possible circumstances, scientifically speaking i could still be unhappy.

my mom told me, "you wouldn't tell a diabetic just to will their body to make insulin." so it is that some of us simply can't be happy on faith alone. my mom also told me that pretty much every branch of my family tree is plagued with a similar sadness. genetics.

i feel a little strange. my body is adjusting to new chemistry since i started with this medicine. yesterday i cried a lot. i cried when i took those dogs home to their sweet, little old lady owner and told her i just couldn't have them any longer. i cried when i told ossi's dance teacher that he wouldn't be coming anymore, not even performing in the nutcracker. i went over to my parents' house and cried in my mom's arms while we watched "white christmas" and missed my sister (who is away at college). i cried in the car with my other sister, the one who has just started middle school. and i cried when i told matt about all the times i'd cried.

but today i danced.

28 comments:

The life of Jayne said...

This post is really lovely Megan! Thanks for sharing this!

The life of Jayne said...

This post is really lovely Megan! Thanks for sharing this!

M said...

This is such an incredible post. I'm so sorry that you have this. It runs in my family as well so I have a small understanding of how frustrating and painful it can be for the ones who deal with it.
It's something most people don't talk about. You are an amazing mom.
Good luck as you adjust and tweek your medication to your needs. Glad you have family to help!

joy johnson said...

Absolutely beautifully said and so brave of you to share this megan! Ive been learning alot about depression to this year, mine manic depresive/ bipolar. Its amazing how much we can learn about ourselves when we learn more about depression. I have anxiety as well. Its frustrating when i feel so alone in this, my hubby is such a sweet hero to me but even he just doesnt get it sometimes. Even though i know why i cant just'be happy" or just " not be so overly hyper or elated' because i know that always comes with a crash and burn, i still get frustrated with my self and wanting to just be normal. But reallt, normal people are boring. Sometimes i think the depresion is worth it when i get the "highs", ya know? I love u girl and thanks for sharing this. Wonderful, touvhing, inspiring. Thats what you are.

joy johnson said...

Absolutely beautifully said and so brave of you to share this megan! Ive been learning alot about depression to this year, mine manic depresive/ bipolar. Its amazing how much we can learn about ourselves when we learn more about depression. I have anxiety as well. Its frustrating when i feel so alone in this, my hubby is such a sweet hero to me but even he just doesnt get it sometimes. Even though i know why i cant just'be happy" or just " not be so overly hyper or elated' because i know that always comes with a crash and burn, i still get frustrated with my self and wanting to just be normal. But reallt, normal people are boring. Sometimes i think the depresion is worth it when i get the "highs", ya know? I love u girl and thanks for sharing this. Wonderful, touvhing, inspiring. Thats what you are.

Lydia said...

This is a difficult thing to accept, but what wonderful things happen once treated and the feeling of true self returns. That 50% shocks me as well, but helps ease the feelings of guilt I had for my years of depression. All the best!

Angela Brown said...

What a beautiful post. It's always humbling to me to see that people I admire have struggles too. Depression feels lonely but I guess it doesn't have to. Knowing there are other people who struggle with it too makes it easier to deal with somehow.

Anonymous said...

This was very, very VERY brave. Thank you for sharing it. I'm a total stranger who has read your blog for a while, often leaving with feelings of "man, she has it all together. I wish I could be more like that. I SHOULD be more like that". And now I feel that even MORE because of your honesty. I'm always so grateful when people I admire share their struggles. So thank you!

joolee said...

so honest and genuine, megan. you are wonderful. thoughts and prayers going out to you!

Natalie said...

Such a beautiful photo of you. Thank you for sharing something so personal.

Amanda Hechler said...

LOVE your post, you are beautiful!

Teresa said...

So proud of you to have taken this step. Wishing you many beautiful, sunny days ahead. I love you!

Wonsch Family said...

Thank you for sharing this part of you. I have seen too many friends and family that try to will away their depression or other mental health issues. These are not made up. They're not a choice. They are a legit health problem, just as your mother said when comparing to diabetes. You are being brave and strong for your children by seeking the medical help you need to make you a healthier mother. I wish you well as you start to heal. You'll be in my prayers. Thank you again for sharing.

Vashti said...

I always love when I check my google reader and there is a new post from Polished Pickle. I love your candor and openness. I love, how through the words you write, I can be instantly placed into a scene in your home. I am so sorry you are going through this but so glad that you are seeking help. My prayers will continue to be with you and your family!

Rain said...

Love you, Megan. Yup, it's every branch, I think.

Mrs. Blimes said...

Thank you for your honesty. As always you inspire me. I take 50mg of Zoloft everyday and it helps save me and my kiddos from my OCD demons.

You are far from alone friend.

Hugs.

M

Anonymous said...

you don't have to be superwoman in order to be worthy... or for people to love you... you are loved

Marie said...

So true Anonymous. Meg u are a great person with a fantastic family. Take it one day at a time and I wish I was closer so I could watch the kids when u need some revitalizing time. Love youself more often
Love Mom

Heather said...

It isn't always easy to ask for help, but so worth it in the end. It takes a certain amount of bravery to admit that you need help and then to get it. While we make our own happiness, sometimes there are factors beyond our control (like body chemistry) and there's no shame in getting that balanced.

Glo said...

This post made me so proud that I know you. Yup it is almost every branch. The nut doesn't fall far from the tree.
You are a strong and beautiful young lady and a wonderful Mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. I am so happy that you chose to come into our family. What a great example you are.Thanks for sharing, and remember that you are not alone on this road.

Laura said...

I appreciate your honesty, with yourself and others. Thank you for sharing. That's a hard thing to do, but you never know who you just might help. I still think you're an amazing, uniquely beautiful, and creative person.
You'll miss the sky-highs, but it's worth it to not have the lower-than-lows. Better for everyone.
You'll find yourself again, and be better than ever.

Valerie said...

I really love reading your words here. Sending love to help you through this time.

Lisa said...

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I am crying. This is something I have struggled with for so long, and to be able to hear someone express the exact things that fill my mind, is reassuring and brings about a certain kind of peace. There is so much I could say...but I will simply say 'thank you, from the very depths of my heart'.

Brooke said...

If you don't seem to feel better with medication, please consider seeing a counselor/therapist. I went through a long bout of dark depression, and counseling seemed to help most. I think some times we feel our faith should get us through. Remember, Heavenly Father gives us lots of gifts - doctors, medication, and counselors are some of those gifts. Best of luck. You'll get through this.

Trapper and Suzy said...

Even with depression, you somehow always know how to say just the right thing. I went through it too. Not saying the right thing, though. haha That never happens to me on my best day. You will get through it, though, Megan. You will. Hold on to your faith and out of the darkness you will find some of the greatest blessings and gifts that God can give or you'll discover qualities about yourself that you didn't know before. Depression sucks. Sometimes I am scared for my next child because of it, but with God, I know I can get through it and somehow I'll be stronger for it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Megan.

Roxana said...

I am thinking of you, my dear, you are special, an amazing soul lights inside you, be happy and blessed, and dance, dance avery day, all the day! you inspire me a lot!

Michelle said...

I really appreciate your honesty. It is a tough battle when you are fighting depression. It helps to have the relief that a doctor can offer.

teamBoo said...

Its been a long time since I've read my any of my favorite bloggers' words (you included). Too long! This public journey will no doubt powerfully significant to your readers. Good for you friend. I think word should be spread so the stigma can dissipate. I am glad you are finding a way out of your cloud. Children are great inspiration for getting well, I know mine were. You will be an even better mother for it. Much love megan!!