happy.

wait.

i was waiting.

i knew something wasn't right. i knew i was not normal but of course i wasn't normal. i've been pregnant or nursing for the last 6 and 1/2 years, so there's that. i waited a while for "me" to return. but i've changed for good (or bad or neutral or whatever).

i love feeling like i could fly to the moon. sometimes i feel so much joy and enthusiasm that i hardly feel like my body can contain me, like i might jump and break through the roof. i've finally learned that it's not actually very good for me to be manic. i say, "sure, i'll watch your dogs. it's okay that they're not house trained. it's okay that they scratch up the doors and bite and growl at my kids. i can watch them, train them, love them. i can fly to the moon on my charitable feelings."

then comes the crash and i'm huddled in a ball on the kitchen floor sobbing, telling my children to go away and leave me alone.

the road to finding help was piecemeal. i read. i watched. i prayed.

on monday i called a doctor and made an appointment for something else. i wondered if i would be brave enough to mention "the real problem."

my dad was coming to watch the boys. they've been getting into so much trouble lately that i desperately needed to leave them in a state of calm. i laid Finn down and prayed as hard as i could..

"please, Father. please let him go to sleep. please, i ask, with everything i have. please... please... please..."  my dad would be there any second and Finn was wide awake. i opened my scriptures directly to the following verses.

Mark 11:22-24
"And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God.  For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them."

i prayed again. "Father, i know that you can help me. i have faith that you will help him fall asleep. i know you will help me. please help me." and he fell asleep. it might as well have been a mountain moved. it was a miracle that any parent of a two-year old could fully appreciate. then i thought, "i know i have faith. so please, Father, will you take away my depression."

"go see your doctor," He answered.


the science of happiness has been of particular intrest to me lately, imagine that. we watched a documentary a while back and i was totally blown away by one point made. they asserted, through findings from a broad study of identical twins, that while 50% of happiness is genetic, and 10% relates to our circumstances, 40% of our happiness is up to us.



in the video the 40% was supposed to have all of the shock value- wow, we have some say in our happiness. well, that's not news to me. the philosophy at my very core revolves around this concept, that we foster an ability to be happy. no, the real shock for me was in the 50%. so even if i'm doing everything i can to find true happiness, and even if i have the best possible circumstances, scientifically speaking i could still be unhappy.

my mom told me, "you wouldn't tell a diabetic just to will their body to make insulin." so it is that some of us simply can't be happy on faith alone. my mom also told me that pretty much every branch of my family tree is plagued with a similar sadness. genetics.

i feel a little strange. my body is adjusting to new chemistry since i started with this medicine. yesterday i cried a lot. i cried when i took those dogs home to their sweet, little old lady owner and told her i just couldn't have them any longer. i cried when i told ossi's dance teacher that he wouldn't be coming anymore, not even performing in the nutcracker. i went over to my parents' house and cried in my mom's arms while we watched "white christmas" and missed my sister (who is away at college). i cried in the car with my other sister, the one who has just started middle school. and i cried when i told matt about all the times i'd cried.

but today i danced.